Sunday, March 31, 2013

Not really a recipe

I don't really like cooking. Have I mentioned this before?

But the other night I made something yummy that everyone liked. Except the twins, who being preschoolers don't count.

I'd love to give you the recipe. Unfortunately, I'm not a very good recipe person.

I mean, I follow recipes... unless I'm out of something, or I don't like it. Then I just substitute something else.

And as far as measuring... Let's just admit I'm exactly Miss Accuracy.

I just read this baking blog with some awesome-looking desserts, and it included a link to a long admonishment about how to measure properly. Reading this shows me exactly why I'm not a particularly good cook, and why I have no future as a food blogger.

For example, from

How To Measure Flour

1. Use a spoon to fluff up the flour within the container.
2. Use a spoon to scoop the flour into the measuring cup.
3. Use a knife or other straight edged utensil to level the flour across the measuring cup.
4. THEN pour the flour into the mixing bowl.

Um...sorry. You lost me at step one. Call me ADD, but my attention wandered before we even poured the flour in the bowl.

But I digress. I was talking about the one-dish dinner I made.

Here's the recipe, such as it is:

Throw a five pound bag of potatoes in the oven to bake at 425. (I usually take them out of the bag first.) I used small potatoes, so they only took about an hour. Let them cool a little bit, and then cut them open and scoop out the white part. Trash the peels, even though your mom said that's where all the vitamins are.

Smash the potato up with a fork, then throw in approximately a stick of butter and smash that up. Squirt on some Ranch dressing and some cooked broccoli and mix that in. Then toss some diced ham on top, along with some shredded cheese.

Bake it for 15-20 minutes (at whatever temperature the oven happens to be on) until the cheese is melted.

Now you see why I'm not a food blogger?

Monday, March 25, 2013

How I was chastised by a humorless preschool child

As I was picking up the twins from preschool, I was confronted by a four-year-old girl with a serious face.

Kid: Your daughter said "cheese-booger."
Me: What? She said "cheeseburger?"
Kid: No. She said "cheese-BOOGER!"
Me: Oh. And that's... funny?
Kid: No. Booger is a BAD word.

And she flounced off.

serious kid

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Secret Oreo Stash

I bought some Double Stuff Oreos at the commisary and hid them when I got home because...

A) I had a recipe I wanted to use them in.
B) I didn't want the kids eating them all in one day.
C) They were MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!
D) All of the above.

Obviously the answer is (D), as anyone who's ever taken a multiple choice quiz knows. (It's a rule; if "all of the above" or "none of the above" appears on the list, it's the right answer. Unless it's a trick.)

Anyways, one night after all the kids had (supposedly) gone to bed and I was working on the computer, ET emerged from the kitchen munching something suspiciously black and white.

I asked her what she was eating, hoping she wouldn't say, "Oreos."

She said, "Oreos."

I said, "Aw, man! You found my secret Oreo stash?"

A slow smile spread across her face. "Actually," she said, swallowing. "These were in a Lunchable in the fridge. But thanks for letting me know there's a secret Oreo stash."

I said, "Aw, man!"

She went back in the kitchen and came back a minute or two later. "Found it!" she said trimphantly.

I sighed in defeat. "Just don't tell your sisters, okay?"

(above image from

Saturday, March 16, 2013

I hate flies

I've mentioned this before.

But it's still true: I really hate flies.

Recently a fly got trapped in the bathroom and I was trying to kill it before I went to bed. I spent at least twenty minutes whacking the mirror, the shower door, the walls, and plain old air with a rolled-up magazine.

Finally I managed to knock the fly down, and fortunately, it landed in the sink where I could wash it away. I watched it trying to swim, waving its nasty little fly legs in vain as it swirled down the drain.

Ha! I thought. So long, sucker!

I went to bed in peace, knowing that fly was in its watery grave.

The next morning it was back! I have no idea how, but it had crawled up out of the drain sometime during the night and was sitting in the bowl of the sink, quite still. I couldn't believe it!

I ran the faucet again, and once again it tried to swim as it slowly sank down the drain. Ha! I thought again.

The fly had been a valiant opponent, but it was no match for an intelligent mammal like me.

Or at last that's what I tell myself.

(above image from

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My son is rolling in the dough

Little Boy wanted me to buy him a new video game for his Leap Frog.

I told him those games cost money. So he brought me this:

And yeah, you guessed it! He got the game he wanted.
Just for being so stinking cute!

Friday, March 8, 2013

The Girl Scout Cookie War

My mom was watching the kids when the neighborhood Girl Scout came to the door to deliver our cookies. Before she was able to finish paying, the boxes had been snatched away and a fight was on.

She entered the living room to find GG had devoured half a sleeve of Thin Mints and was holding them up out of Boo's reach.

(image from

When ordered to share the cookies with her sister, GG licked one and handed it to Boo. Ewwww.

Needless to say the Thin Mints were quickly confiscated and doled out by their grandmother in an egailtarian fashion.

Unfortunately, however, no Thin Mints survived the wars to greet me when I came home. So Mommy will have to start looking for her own Thin Mints...

Just FYI:
From the Girl Scout Website, a detailed diagram of the cookie box:

Dudes! Can I just say, you had me at "the cookies's deliciousness"?
The rest of that information is a waste of print.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

How To Ruin Inspirational Quotes, By Me, Part 7

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly

Aw!! But I'm so GOOD at doing nothing!!!


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Why my husband and I can't agree on a movie

Three words: The Chick Flick Curse.

(Okay, four words. Unless "the" doesn't count. Which is debatable.)

What happened was, a couple of times when I picked "chick flicks" for us to watch together (because it was MY TURN!!) I picked some bad ones.

#1. "Dear John:" I'd read the Nicholas Sparks book and enjoyed it, but the film adaptation was less than stellar.

I went to the restroom during the movie and when I came back I asked my husband what had happened while I was gone. He looked at me with dull eyes. "Nothing," he said in a dreary monotone. "Absolutley nothing."

(image from

 #2. "Twilight, Breaking Dawn, Part One:" Even I admit this one was awful. They stretched out a book that was already low on plot to try and make it last for two movies. Unless you're interested in seeing Bella's wedding dress (I was; he wasn't) this film had almost no redeeming qualities.

When "Twilight, Breaking Dawn, Part Two"came out, my husband anounced that he would have to be paid at least two hundred dollars to sit through it. Not including the ticket price.
(image from wikipedia)
So the result of this is that my husband is very suspicious of anything in the Chick Flick Genre.
As in, the minute a preview starts with a couple smiling winsomely at each other and then cuts to them walking on a beach hand in hand while violins play, he looks at me and says, "NO!"
So I guess I'm stuck watching Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis beat people up forever.