Monday, January 28, 2013

The Weekend Update

What happened to us over the weekend?

1. The twins went to two different birthday parties. They were completely nutso on both occasions. Fortunately such behavior is encouraged at Chuck E. Cheese's.

2. I actually cut my tongue trying to lick frosting out of a nearly-empty tub. I only noticed when the white frosting turned reddish. There's got to be a lesson there somewhere.

3. Boo single-handedly ate that entire case of pomegranates I bought at Costco. I'm not even kidding. The kid should have enough antioxidants in her now to acquire some kind of super-powers.

How's that for a random bunch of stories?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Costco Invasion

I took the twins to Costco.

This was probably a mistake. It was crowded, as is usual for this area, but the sample ladies were few and far between. (Insert sad face here.)

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Even though I had the twins confined to the cart they were managing to wreak havoc by raking their arms along the shelves, beating each other on the head with shoes, and yelling "I DON'T LIKE THAT!!!" when we managed to find an actual sample food to taste.

Highlight of the visit: I was contemplating a dipslay of pomegranates, wondering if we could really eat a CASE of them before they went bad --which is the sort of burning question Costco engenders in you every few feet as you shop.

An employee said to me, "Ma'am, watch out for that spill there. You might slip."

This was his polite way of saying, "Ma'am, your son is pouring purple yogurt from his sample cup all over the floor and there is a trail behind you up to this spot. Please stop gazing at the pomegranates like they're the Mona Lisa and make him stop."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry! That's our spill."

He did not say, "Obviously." Instead he said, "I'll get you a paper towel."

So he helped us out AND cleaned up the spill. Also he actually talked nicely to the twins ("Hey buddy; is that good yogurt?") and continued to smile at me until I left.

This guy probably deserved a Polite Employee of the Year Award.

Or perhaps sainthood.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

You say it's your birthday?

When my kids have a birthday, they are allowed to pick whatever they want to eat. And then we ALL eat it for dinner.

This is a tradition I'm carrying on from when I was a kid, which my grandmother actually did for her children as well. There's a famous family story about my aunt choosing hot dogs and applesauce for dinner in something like 1965.

Last month on Boo's birthday she chose spaghetti (with homemade sauce) and green bean casserole.

So this weekend was GG's birthday. She said she wanted macaroni and cheese and pumpkin pie.

I said, "Oh, you want homemade macroni and cheese?"

She gave me a look. "Um, no. Stouffer's, please."

I'll try not to take that as an editorial comment on my cooking.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Musings from a Hotel

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Weird things in the hotel information booklet:

#1.“Each guestroom is equipped with a refreshment cabinet.” This means a mini-refrigerator. But for some reason, we’re reluctant to use the word “refrigerator.” Perhaps some freaky fear of lawsuit?

I read on: “The storing of dairy products or other perishable items is not recommended.” Really?! So there’s a mini-fridge, but I’m not supposed to put perishables in it? What ELSE is a refrigerator FOR, I ask you?

This has got to be some weird anti-liability-thing.

Guest: My milk went bad in the mini-fridge! I’m gonna sue!
Hotel: It’s not a refrigerator! It’s a REFRESHMENT CABINET!
Guest: Aw, MAN!
Hotel: Whew! That was close one!

#2. “Delivery of pizza and other prepared foods from outside vendors is not authorized.”

WHAT?! I can’t order a Domino’s pizza from my own hotel room? Are you KIDDING?

Oh, wait; it says “not authorized,” rather than “not allowed.” So it’s just another liability protection.

Guest: GAH! I have food poisoning from the pizza I had delivered to my room and stored in my mini-fridge! I’m gonna sue!
Hotel: That was unauthorized pizza, I’m afraid. And, besides, it’s a REFRESHMENT CABINET!
Guest: Aw, MAN!
Hotel: All right! Two for TWO! Thank you, legal consulting department!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Escape (Not the Pina Colada Song)

(Written 1/11/13 at 7:00 p.m.)
I’m in the White Sands Hotel in Waikiki.

It sounds a lot nicer than it is.

First off, there’s no sand anywhere near here, white or otherwise. Secondly, if Honolulu has a red light district, (and does anyone doubt that it does?) I’m pretty sure I’m sitting in the middle of it.

However, it’s the best hotel I can afford.

But why am I in a hotel of any kind? you may be wondering. Don’t I live in Honolulu?

Obviously, I’m escaping my children.

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This is my Christmas present. I just wanted to be alone for 24 hours. To read or work on my writing, and not be interrupted every five seconds. Does that sound awful?

This afternoon I told the kids I was going away for the night. They were greatly distressed.

ET in particular was highly suspicious. She figured there was some kind of cover-up going on. Either (a) Mommy and daddy are getting divorced, (b) Mommy has an awful disease she must be clandestinely treated for, or (c ) Mommy is checking into an insane asylum.

Well, as plausible as (c ) may be, ET, I’m really just going to sit in a hotel room alone for one night.

And maybe you should stop watching those Lifetime movies….

Friday, January 11, 2013

Extreme Tattling

The twins went to play upstairs in their room. Five minutes later, Little Boy was tattling on his sister.

"Mommy! Little Girl is playing in Boo and GG's room!"

(They know they are not supposed to play in their older sisters' rooms.)

So I went up there and found her yelling at him, from the forbidden room, "I told you! Don't tell Mommy I went in here!!!!"

"I told Mommy," Little Boy said virtuously to his twin.

Then he turned to me. "Also she pooped in the potty and didn't wipe her bottom."


Sunday, January 6, 2013

How do I get myself into these things?

Have you ever had that moment where you ask yourself, "How did this happen?"

I have that thought a lot.

Today I found myself actually holding down one child while allowing another child to give her a Wet Willy.

I know. Weird, right? What could possibly motivate me to do something like that?

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Oh, and if you don't know what a Wet Willy is, click here for wikipedia's "List of School Pranks," and scroll down past "noogie," "swirlie," and "wedgie" to find it.

So what happened was: My friend was visiting with her new baby. Boo (age 10) was holding the baby. GG (age 12) took the opportunity to sneak up and give Boo a Wet Willy.

Now really! How mean is THAT? Assaulting a person who is holding an INFANT?! Low blow, GG. Super low.

I really felt the punishment should fit the crime on this. So I told Boo she could give her sister a free retaliatory Wet Willy.

But the problem was, Boo is smaller than GG. So they chased each other all over the house, banging things and slamming doors. GG locked Boo out of the bedroom, the bathroom, and the house, in that order. GG's ear remained clean and dry, and Boo was frustrated.

So that's how I ended up holding GG down to allow the Wet Willy to be fairly administered.

I think I did the right thing.....

(So does the baby.)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Twins For Life

Little Girl asked me if she and her brother would still be twins after they'd grown bigger.

Me: Yes, you'll still be twins.
LG: No, I mean when we're BIG!
Me: Yes, you'll still be twins.
LG: I mean when we're BIG. Like ET and GG!
Me: You'll still be twins.
LG: (not giving up) NO!! WHEN WE'RE BIG LIKE ET AND GG!!!
Boo: (breaking in, exasperated by this repetitive conversation)
         YES! You will always be twins whether you like it or not!

There was a little silence. Then....

LG: I don't like it.