My house vs. Pinterest house

 

On pinterest they have lots of ideas to make your home beautiful and organized.

One idea is to have places for each person to put their things in each room. I do this, but because we have a lot of people, it doesn't quite look as nice as it should.

For example, here's pinterest's organized entryway.

I actually do this. I have labeled places for each child's school bag, and a shelf, et cetera.

Except in my house, it looks like this:

Not bad. But not Martha Stewart quality, by any means.

Now this idea, for the laundry room, using an individual basket for each person's clean clothes, which they will then (theoretically) put away in their rooms.

 

 

 

Again, this is actually an idea I use at my house. Only my version doesn't look so great.

Yeah. Not so much with the putting away....

Okay, one more. Pinterest organized bathroom:

Now my kids' bathroom:

Oh well. At least we can find stuff, right?

Sometimes....

images from http://www.repinly.com/

Why my home will never be featured in "House Beautiful"

I am not a don't-eat-in-the-living-room kind of mom.

I mean, I do insist on eating meals as a family as much as possible and all that, but there is definitely much consumption of food in front of the TV going on around here.

This is why most of my upholstered furniture is hidden by blankets and/or slipcovers, none of it is expensive, and a lot of it is old.

(image from housebeautiful.com)

Last night I looked at the loveseat where Baby Girl likes to sit and realized I wasn't going to be able to put off washing the slipcover any longer.

The mess on the cushion looked like she had attacked and subdued something wild there. I'm wondering, How much fight can a cheese sandwich really put up here?

The cheese sandwich crime scene was on top of the yogurt smears and cupcake crumbs that were already gathering on the couch. So I sighed and pulled the slipcover off to wash.

Later in the evening when I put the cover back on I was pleased to see how nice and clean it looked. It's like having new furniture! Sort of.

Then, of course, Baby Girl woke up this morning with a nasty stomach virus.

It's so nice to have your furniture cleaned before it gets vomited on....

I've Been Edited... to DEATH!

I submitted a story to Reader's Digest a few months ago, and they published it!

YAY!

Except they edited most of my story out. I'm serious. I think the editor used a blowtorch to cut my story down.

I know, I sound like those disgruntled actors who say their best work ended up "on the cutting room floor." Like editors are out to get them or something. But I'm starting to sympathize with them a little now.

Just to let you know what I mean, here's the story I submitted:

When my husband and I were first married

in the early nineties, the Army had us

stationed in Germany. One of our favorite things

to do was to go to the movie theater on post.

Since this was the only theater in town that

showed movies in English, it was popular

among many of the soldiers and was often crowded.

When the movie Forrest Gump came out we

went to see it right away. The theater was full of

single soldiers in a rowdy group. I was concerned

that they would be disruptive during the show,

but they all quieted down during the film,

until the scene when the main character

graduated from college. Onscreen, as Forrest walked

out of the ceremony, he was met by a recruiter

who handed him a pamphlet about joining the Army.

Unable to hold his peace, one of the young soldiers

in the theater jumped up and cried, “Run, Forrest, RUN!”

Okay. Not the FUNNIEST story EVER, but not too bad, right?

Here's what they printed:

My husband and I were watching Forrest Gump

at the base theater. The crowd was pretty quiet

throughout the film, until the scene when Forrest

graduates from college and is met by an
Army recruiter. That was met with a shout
from behind us, "Run, Forrest, Run!"

Seriously. THAT'S what they printed. On page 66 this month.

Is it just me, or did they cut the funny right out of this story?

Assuming that it was ever funny in the first place....

Not even MENTIONING the fact that I was cut down from 157 words to less than 50 (Okay, I DID mention it. So sue me!), and that in the Army it's called a POST not a BASE (making me look like a moron who doesn't know her terminology!), I really think the story is not funny anymore after the editing.

But hey, it's been published, so why am I complaining?

Except, I'm wondering where's the check they promised me.....

Plus-Sized Living?

Today I got a catalog in the mail for “The Plus-Sized Home.”

I had no idea what that term meant. I get catalogs for plus-sized clothes, and I know what THAT means: clothing for fat chicks. (By the way, I’m allowed to say “fat chicks” with impunity because I AM one. It’s in the rules.)

I find it interesting that clothing for overweight MEN is not called plus-sized, incidentally. It's called “Big and Tall.” Which sounds much nicer, doesn’t it?

Although I guess they’re both a step up from that horrible term from when I was a kid: “husky.” I shudder at that one. It sounds like a giant black bear.

But in any case, I opened the catalog, to see if the title referred to the oversized quality of the home itself or the people in it.

Apparently it was the latter.

On page one there was an office chair marked cheerfully: “XL Computer Chair! 25 in. wide seat! 500 lb. capacity!”

Well, mystery solved. The catalog sold FURNITURE for fat chicks.

I couldn’t believe this was a whole genre, to be honest, so I kept looking.

I found oversized bedding, an “extra-sturdy” airbed, and a giant Snuggie.

Are Snuggies not over yet? Really?

I thought the invention of the Pet Snuggie would have kiled them for sure...

And why are all these models in the fat-people furniture catalog NOT FAT?

(This is a pet peeve of mine for the plus-sized clothing catalogs too. Would it KILL you people to put that dress on a fat chick for me? How does it help me want to buy it if you’ve got it draped over Kate Moss there?)

That’s when the catalog turned weirder, and a little scarier. The Big John Toilet Seat. (1200 lb capacity. I am NOT making that up!)

I kept turning the pages, fascinated and horrified. And then we move into the giant canes, walkers, wheelchairs that I guess are going to be inevitable as we fat people age.

It was like a “Scared Straight” program for the overweight!

Watch out kids, or YOU’LL be sitting in this 400 lb capacity wheelchair before long! Pretty scary.

Although truthfully, I DON’T think all fat people are destined for disability and an early grave, despite what the news media would apparently like us to believe.

I mean, seriously. This just ties in to the fact that all you are hearing about these days is the “obesity epidemic.” It seems like lately fat people have turned into the new EVIL of the world.

We’ve already demonized the smokers, condemning them to a tiny corner of the parking lot far from the office door, huddled in the rain trying to light their Marlboros. Now it’s perfectly acceptable to sneer at them, or cough pointedly as we pass to give them some message about the evils of their secondhand smoke. And no, I don’t think that smoking is a good idea. DUH! I just think we don’t have to be so MEAN about it!

Contrary to popular opinion, smoking cigarettes is NOT, in fact, illegal.

Criminal Smoker cartoon courtesy of clagnuts.blogspot.com

And now that the smokers have been well and truly beaten down, the eye of Big Brother has turned to the overweight. “Hey you! Yes you! Drop that burger! Drop it I say!”

Okay, I admit many of us could stand to lose a few, myself definitely included. But could we possibly acknowledge that people do come in all shapes and sizes, and some of us are perfectly healthy without being rail-thin? (And some thin folks are less than healthy as well.)

And I’d like to point out: Everyone acknowledges that alcoholism is a disease. Drug addiction is often categorized as a disease as well. But overeating (and smoking I might add!) is seen as a character flaw. Just a lack of willpower.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, Hey! Could we just lay off with vilifying the obese? Everybody struggles with something. Some us just wear it on the outside.

And also that I thought this "Plus-Sized Living" catalog was REALLY funny. I mean, the "Big John?" Come ON! That's some funny stuff there. I don't care who you are.

I will say that I personally am working on exercising more and eating less. It’s difficult.

I won’t go into the details of all that, because, let's face it, is ANYTHING more boring than someone else’s diet and exercise program? I mean, who would have read “The FOOD Diary of Anne Frank?” (Friday: Lentil soup, again. What a snoozer!)

But I’m working on it.

By the way, I threw the catalog away.

I don’t plan on needing that XL walker anytime soon. And I can still sit in regular chairs, thank you very much!

Jamie Lee Curtis, Woman Extraordinaire!

So, according to Good Housekeeping magazine, Jamie Lee Curtis is now the Queen of Clean.

As you can see, “She dusts, mops and declutters like a pro!” They claim she is The Most Organized Person in the World.

So it’s not enough that she’s gorgeous, rich and THIN! And she’s a great actress, author, and (gasp!) blogger, plus she’s an actual Lady of the British Empire (since her husband was KNIGHTED!). Oh no! Now she’s a better HOUSEKEEPER than the rest of us? Like we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves already…


Now don’t get me wrong, I LIKE Jamie Lee! I’ve though she was hysterically funny ever since “A Fish Called Wanda.” And her children’s books really are good too.

And it’s great that she’s taking time out from her busy schedule to teach us all about the yogurt that makes you poop.

Oh, excuse me. I meant, the yogurt that “improves your regularity.”

But come on! Do I have to see her cheerfully cleaning her floor?

Can’t I just imagine that she has a MAID to do all this stuff, and that’s why her kitchen looks perfect like that and mine looks like… Well, let’s just say less than perfect, shall we?

And don’t get me started on her fabulous CLOSET!

I mean, I can’t even make a comparison with my closet. It’s like they’re not even the same species, like hers is a gorgeous Persian cat…

….and mine is a horrid verminous RAT!

(And apparently, verminous isn’t a word, according to my spell-check. But I’m using it anyways, because it SHOULD be!)

Oh well, I guess that’s the point of celebrities, to make us feel inferior.

Oh, excuse me, I meant, to entertain us.

And at least Jamie Lee’s not splashed all over People Magazine with a tattooed paramour, right? Or getting kicked off SESAME STREET for wearing a low-cut top!

Watch the rather innocuous video of Katy Perry booted from Sesame Street

It definitely could be worse…

See Your Face in Every Magazine

First of all, let me say, I like to read magazines. I like to read books and newspapers too, but right now I’m talking about magazines, okay?

And I like to read them on paper. I like to physically turn pages and read them. My husband has one of those Kindle thingys. He loves it! He brags how he can have a million books on there. (Or some ridiculous number like that--when he starts giving me statistics I seem to get a little humming in my head that makes it impossible for me to recall the actual number later.)

But I don’t like the electronic form much. I like to hold a REAL BOOK. I like the way books smell: the brand-new book smell and the vintage-book aroma. I like a shiny new magazine sliding through my hands as I read it. I even like the black fingers you get from reading a real newspaper. It’s authentic.
But anyways, I DO like to read magazines. But I have to say there are some topics I’m getting tired of, because they are on the cover of every women’s magazine EVERY month.

#1: Losing Weight. Oh my gosh. Maybe it’s un-American of me, but I am SO SICK of all this talk about losing weight! Yeah, we’re all fat. We shouldn’t eat so much junk. WE KNOW! Let’s move on!

#2: Getting Organized. How many different ways can you say the same thing? Get rid of your extra stuff! Store the rest of it in cute little bins! Woo-hoo! That’s all there is to it. How can you keep squeezing a whole article out of this topic every month, ALL YEAR LONG?

#3: Saving Money. Okay, don’t buy so much STUFF! That’s it. Seriously. Again, not something we should be needing to keep writing new articles about, month in and month out. By the way, I notice no one suggests we should Save Money by cancelling our magazine subscriptions. Hmmm….

#4. Find the Perfect ___ To Flatter Any Body. Fill that blank in with swimsuit in the spring/summer, dress in the fall/winter. Now I like to look at clothes as much as the next girl, but I take umbrage with the Any Body. Mostly because the models are all the SAME body! Where’s the regular chicks? You can put camouflaging pleats and ruffles all over me, but I am NOT going to look like these size-zero girl on page 48. And neither is 90 percent of the population. If you say Any Body, how about let’s SEE some of them and how FLATTERING the clothes are?

#5. Healthy Meals Your Family Will Love. Just give it UP people! They won’t love it if it’s healthy, okay? You keep trying to come up with new ways to serve the same stuff. So we end up with a long list of ingredients, half of which I can’t even FIND at the store, and I spend all day making something that will make my kids go, “What did you DO to this chicken Mom?” and “Can I just have a peanut butter sandwich?”

#6: Hidden Dangers in Your ____. Just fill in the blank with ANYTHING there. There’s hidden dangers in everything, it seems. I can get skin cancer from using sunscreen? What? Oh, because then I get a false sense of security and stay in the sun too long. I can get cancer from my plastic containers? Whoops! Better check the labels and try to remember which numbers are the BAD ones. (Again, that humming noise in my brain when I try to remember the numbers.) Buying cleaners in attractive bottles could KILL me? Oh, because they look like they could be food or perfume. (Assuming I’m an IDIOT, of course.) And it goes on and on, all the products that are out to get me.

And, all right, I admit that these can all be worthy topics. The thing is, I'm just SICK of them!
Okay, so all those gripes aside, what do I LIKE to read in a magazine?

#1: Interesting Stories About People. Well, that seems like a big duh, doesn’t it? But I mean stories about regular people, not just celebrities all the time. I especially like stories about people whose problems are way worse than mine, like “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” (I also love how it always IS saved!)

Or people who write in for advice, you can’t beat that with a stick! That’s always something different! What SHOULD “In A Dilemma in D.C.” do about her wayward daughter? How about those etiquette conundrums: Should I tell my co-worker his rancid B.O. is killing us all? Inquiring minds want to know!

#2: Miniature Investigations. Recently I read an expose on how big actual ice-cream scoops were vs. how big they were supposed to be. Seriously. It was fascinating. They went to ice cream parlors and got like fifty scoops each, and then went back to the lab and weighed them. (How do you get THAT gig, I wonder?) Result: Ben and Jerry’s was shortchanging everyone, and Baskin Robbins was giving everyone about an ounce more than they should have. And, oddly enough, Coldstone was the most accurate, even though when you get ice cream there it LOOKS so imprecise, with those two metal paddles they roll up your scoop with. Now THAT’S an investigative scoop I can get into! (Pardon the pun.)

I also like when people have a problem a with a company and a magazine reporter straightens it out for them. “You will be receiving a full refund and an apology, Mrs. Chambers.” BOO-ya! That’s what I’M talking about!

#3: Blogs and Fiction. I like it when they feature a blog, perhaps like THIS one. How about it, Good Housekeeping? Ladies Home Journal? Redbook? I’m available...

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