Thanks for the virus

My oldest daughter ET has gone away to school.

We talk on the phone a lot because mommy misses her, and she likes to tell me what she's doing. (Before school started, that was pretty much playing computer games and watching TV. Now, of course, she's much busier.)

She emailed me a link to a movie she liked so that we could discuss it. It was called "Alone," and it was in Korean with subtitles; don't ask me where she found it.

I clicked on the link and watch about 3/4 of the movie. The plot had to do with conjoined twin sisters who both loved the same man. (I'm not making this up. I swear.)

Just at the most suspenseful part, my computer froze up and I got this "blocked" screen.

That's right! A virus. My kid sent me A VIRUS.

The screen informed me that my computer was being held hostage by terrorists, and that they would set it free for only $400.

I tried to remove the thing myself, using instructions I got from a "virus removal service." The service said to call them for help if their instructions did not work.

When I called them, the guy said my infection was "really bad," and that I would need a "virus removal expert" to get it off.

Which would cost only $300.

My husband pointed out that this seems really suspicious. How do we know these people didn't make the virus in the first place, and THAT'S why they are such "experts" on it?! Sounds like some kind of conspiracy plot.

Anyways, I did not pay the terrorists, or the experts. I did end up having to pay a regular guy $100 to kill the thing, and my computer was down for two weeks.

But at least I know the guy here wasn't involved in the original plot. I think...

The worst part is... I still don't know what happened with the Korean conjoined twins!

Apparently I am a robot...

You know those security-test thingies on the internet that make you type in some random letters and numbers to prove you're an actual human?

I can't seem to pass those tests.

I'm serious. I just spent like twenty minutes today trying (unsuccessfully) to download a game for my daughter to play on my phone while we waited at the orthodontist.

Yes, it WAS a game for my daughter, you Doubty Mc Doubter.

So I had to set up an account in order to download the app or whatever, and it wanted to make me prove I wasn't a robot.

I groaned when I saw it. "I can never pass these tests," I told Boo. She laughed like I was kidding.

I wasn't. I couldn't do it. I kept messing up the characters. I'm going, "Is that a number one or a letter I? Is this capital or lowercase? What is that weird twisty thing? Is that supposed to be a digit or just a blob?"

Long story short: the orthodontist was finished adjusting GG's braces before I was able to get any sort of entertainment loaded on my phone.

It was pathetic.

Why my husband and I can't agree on a movie

Three words: The Chick Flick Curse.

(Okay, four words. Unless "the" doesn't count. Which is debatable.)

What happened was, a couple of times when I picked "chick flicks" for us to watch together (because it was MY TURN!!) I picked some bad ones.

#1. "Dear John:" I'd read the Nicholas Sparks book and enjoyed it, but the film adaptation was less than stellar.

I went to the restroom during the movie and when I came back I asked my husband what had happened while I was gone. He looked at me with dull eyes. "Nothing," he said in a dreary monotone. "Absolutley nothing."

(image from http://en.wikipedia.org)


 #2. "Twilight, Breaking Dawn, Part One:" Even I admit this one was awful. They stretched out a book that was already low on plot to try and make it last for two movies. Unless you're interested in seeing Bella's wedding dress (I was; he wasn't) this film had almost no redeeming qualities.

When "Twilight, Breaking Dawn, Part Two"came out, my husband anounced that he would have to be paid at least two hundred dollars to sit through it. Not including the ticket price.

(image from wikipedia)

 

So the result of this is that my husband is very suspicious of anything in the Chick Flick Genre.

 

As in, the minute a preview starts with a couple smiling winsomely at each other and then cuts to them walking on a beach hand in hand while violins play, he looks at me and says, "NO!"

 

So I guess I'm stuck watching Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis beat people up forever.

 

Sigh.





Musings from a Hotel

(image from http://www.stus.com)

Weird things in the hotel information booklet:

#1.“Each guestroom is equipped with a refreshment cabinet.” This means a mini-refrigerator. But for some reason, we’re reluctant to use the word “refrigerator.” Perhaps some freaky fear of lawsuit?

I read on: “The storing of dairy products or other perishable items is not recommended.” Really?! So there’s a mini-fridge, but I’m not supposed to put perishables in it? What ELSE is a refrigerator FOR, I ask you?

This has got to be some weird anti-liability-thing.

Guest: My milk went bad in the mini-fridge! I’m gonna sue!
Hotel: It’s not a refrigerator! It’s a REFRESHMENT CABINET!
Guest: Aw, MAN!
Hotel: Whew! That was close one!

#2. “Delivery of pizza and other prepared foods from outside vendors is not authorized.”

WHAT?! I can’t order a Domino’s pizza from my own hotel room? Are you KIDDING?

Oh, wait; it says “not authorized,” rather than “not allowed.” So it’s just another liability protection.

Guest: GAH! I have food poisoning from the pizza I had delivered to my room and stored in my mini-fridge! I’m gonna sue!
Hotel: That was unauthorized pizza, I’m afraid. And, besides, it’s a REFRESHMENT CABINET!
Guest: Aw, MAN!
Hotel: All right! Two for TWO! Thank you, legal consulting department!

Escape (Not the Pina Colada Song)

(Written 1/11/13 at 7:00 p.m.)
I’m in the White Sands Hotel in Waikiki.

It sounds a lot nicer than it is.

First off, there’s no sand anywhere near here, white or otherwise. Secondly, if Honolulu has a red light district, (and does anyone doubt that it does?) I’m pretty sure I’m sitting in the middle of it.

However, it’s the best hotel I can afford.

But why am I in a hotel of any kind? you may be wondering. Don’t I live in Honolulu?

Obviously, I’m escaping my children.

(Image from www.tumblr.com)

This is my Christmas present. I just wanted to be alone for 24 hours. To read or work on my writing, and not be interrupted every five seconds. Does that sound awful?

This afternoon I told the kids I was going away for the night. They were greatly distressed.

ET in particular was highly suspicious. She figured there was some kind of cover-up going on. Either (a) Mommy and daddy are getting divorced, (b) Mommy has an awful disease she must be clandestinely treated for, or (c ) Mommy is checking into an insane asylum.

Well, as plausible as (c ) may be, ET, I’m really just going to sit in a hotel room alone for one night.

And maybe you should stop watching those Lifetime movies….

Three TV/Movie dudes I want to come to my house for coffee

#1. John Goodman.


(image from www.rottentomatoes.com)

I LOVE him! I loved him in "Roseanne" a zillion years ago, and I just saw him in the movie Argo. He was excellent!

And my favorite character he played:


(image from disney.go.com)

Don't you just want to hug that guy?

Also he would make me look quite svelte if he stood beside me...

#2. Spencer Shay from "iCarly"


(image from icarly.wikia.com)

I love this guy too. And it's the character I love here, not the actor. I think Jerry Trainor, the real person, is a Serious Actor. Which I have great respect for. However...

Unfortunately a Serious Actor would not be as fun over coffee as the Spencer character, who makes giant sculptures of pants and does the best pratfalls this side of John Ritter. Also he does this baby puppet bit that's hysterical.


(image from www.icarly.com)

Well, I guess you have to see that one on TV to get the full impact.

#3. Griffin, That Psychic Alien Dude from Men in Black 3.


(image from www.tumblr.com)

Aw! Isn't he sweet?

You have to see this movie to know why I love this guy. Once you have, you'll want Griffin at your house too.

By the way, to everyone that thinks this is a weird collection of dudes....You're right!

Were you expecting photos of Fabio here?

Sorry, wrong blog for that. I like weird dudes. Ask my husband....

Birthdays are like opinions...Everyone's got one

So I turned 41, which means I'm squarely IN my forties now.

I'll pause for you to all say how I don't look a day over 39.

Aw, thanks!

So, as is customary for birthday celebrations, I received some cards in the mail.

I thought it would be fun to play a game with them.

Sing with me: "One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong..."

Did you guess which thing was not like the other, before I finished the song?

Yes, I received three lovely cards with pink flowers on them...and one card with an ugly old man and a joke about my age.

That's okay, my prankster sister-in-law! Your fiftieth isn't too far away, my friend....

(Click here to hear the Sesame Street "One of These Things" song, if you're interested.)

Way-too-realistic animal T-shirts. I don't get them.

These new T-shirts that look like a real animal popping out of your chest....

Does anyone else think these are going to look super weird on a real person?

I mean, especially on a woman?

I'm just saying.
image from http://gnomesweetgnome.tumblr.com/

I'm Such a Rebel

I was making a cake, and I happened to see this directive on the cake mix box:

What?! I can't eat raw cake batter?!

Well, guess what, Betty Crocker! You can't push ME around!

Mmmmmm.....

I have a confession to make....

I purchased a copy of the National Enquirer today.

Yep. I was standing there in line at the convenience store and I saw the headlines:

MACAULAY CULKIN--SIX MONTHS TO LIVE!

KIRSTIE ALLEY--HER 100 LB WEIGHT LOSS A LIE!

OLYMPIC CHAMP'S SECTRET HEARTBREAK!

I just couldn't resist.

Also I was already buying a candy bar, a cinnamon roll, and a diet coke. I figured I can't look any more  trashy to the clerk.

Might as well go whole-hog and buy the Enquirer.

By the way, the cinnamon roll was awesome, I gave my daughter the candy bar, and the National Enquirer was full of insinautions, half-truths, and flat-out lies.

All in all, a fun purchase.

How to Ruin Inspirational Quotes...... By Me (Part 3)

How to Ruin Inspirational Quotes...... By Me (Part 2)

How To Ruin Inspirational Quotes..... By Me (Part 1)

How my DVD collection ended up in an evidence bag at the MP station

About two weeks ago I noticed that my DVD bag was missing from the van.

I have been letting the twins watch DVD's when we have to sit in the car for long periods waiting to pick up their older sisters.

(For an earlier post on my annoying car wait, click here.)  

(image from forensicssource.com)

One day I went to put a DVD back in the bag, and the bag wasn't there. I looked all around the car, and asked the kids if anyone had moved the bag, but it appeared to have vanished.

The only thing I could figure was that it had been stolen sometime when I'd left the van unlocked. I guess a bag of DVD's clearly visible through a window might be quite a tempatation. Assuming one didn't reaize that all the DVD's in question were for preschoolers...

Then I heard from one of my neighbors that the MP's (military police) had been asking around the neighborhood to see if anyone had lost a green bag with about twenty DVD's inside it. My bag was blue, but I figured the number of discs was about right, so I called the MP station.

I described my bag to the officer on the phone, and he said that an investigating officer would call me back. By the time they called I was out, and the office was closing, but they left a message that I could pick up my property from the evidence technician down at the MP station on Schofield Barracks.

Now Schofield is a little out of my way, so when the the evidence tech himself called me the next day, I wanted to make sure the bag was mine before I made the trip down there. Here's how that conversation went:

EvTech: I hear we've some of got your property to return.
Me:        Yes, I've lost a bag of DVD's.
EvTech: Well, can you idenitfy some of the DVD's?
Me:        They were kids' videos; I don't remember all the titles. Let me just describe the bag to you to make sure.
EvTech: These were in a green bag?
Me:        Well, I would have said blue, but I guess it could be a bluegreen. But anyways, the bag has a zipper at the top and black handles. And it has a giant chocolate stain on the side.
EvTech: Okay. Well, we weren't aware that stain was chocolate.
Me:        What?
EvTech: It might have been a biohazard, so the bag was destroyed.
Me:        Destroyed?
EvTech: The bag was found sitting by the side of the road in your neighborhood with a suspicious brown stain on it....
Me:        (laughing) A biohazard?!
EvTech: Anyways, we don't have the bag. But can you identify the DVD's?
Me:        Um, okay. It was just a bunch of kids' videos. There was "Ni Hao Kai Lan," "Barbie Island Princess," um....
EvTech: (helpfully) "Elmo?"
Me:        Yes! Elmo!
EvTech: Yep. It's your stuff, all right.
 
 So I made arrangements to pick up my DVD's from the evidence room. But I don't have a bag for them anymore.

I don't know how the bag got out by the side of the road, but I really think my first theory was correct. Someone stole the bag from my car, thinking, "Aw, sweet! Free DVD's!"

And the when they looked inside and realized all the DVD's were meant for four-year-olds, they abandoned it, thinking, "Dora the Explorer? Baby Einstein? Give me a break!"

My husband said, "You really need to start locking the car. Who knows what nice stuff they might have stolen and didn't throw out?"

It's a good thing we don't have any nice stuff....

I think I'm going to blog about my hair

Uh oh. Did I just lose my whole audience with THAT title?


http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com

Hair is kind of a boring topic, isn't it? Still, amazingly enough, I found some actual bloggers who ONLY blog about hair.

Seriously.

Not as many of them as there are of the food bloggers, but still.

I was on pinterest (in other words, I was completely wasting my time in order to avoid folding the laundry) and I found all kinds of hairstyles. Particularly for blondes.



http://www.hairromance.com

The thing is, I can't actually DO any of this stuff with my hair.

Or, more precisely, I could.... if I want to spend hours working on my hair and still accept that the style will only last approximately five minutes.

Here's what happened when I tried this simple hair tutorial. You can actually click on this and watch this lady's video how she did this with her hair if you want.

http://aspottedpony.com


This one was relatively easy, and here's how it looked on me.

Hey look! It works on brunettes too! (Just not quite as well....)

Unfortunately, it only lasted a few minutes. Good thing I took a picture right away.

I think that's what the hair boggers do....

Three Snapshots of My Life

(1) What my cart looks like when I go to the commissary for "just a few things:"

You don't EVEN want to see it when I go for a lot of things....

(2) What happens when I don't check the kids' pockets before doing laundry:

Does the discovery of the money cancel out the grossness of having to scrape gum off the dryer drum? Um... no. Not really.

(3) How dinner preparations looked when I couldn't find the can opener ANYWHERE:

It looks like Wolverine opened that can of diced tomatoes, doesn't it?

By the way, the reason I couldn't find the can opener was because it was in the trunk of my husband's car. At work.

Don't ask me why.

Goodbye Spring Break

So...Spring Break is over.

Finally.

Sorry if this makes me sound horrible, but I'm always glad to send the kids back to school.

Especially after one of them ended up in the emergency room over the break.

But I realize some people aren't ready for the holiday to end.

At the elementary school on Monday I was in the office for PTSO business. I saw a child had signed in on the "late" log at 9:05 a.m.

Under "reason for being late," she put, "Finishing our vacation."

I guess she needed that extra hour of Spring Break.

(image from http://www.cardsandstuff.co.uk/)

Pinterest, Thou Hast Corrupted Me

So I started hearing about pinterest.com a few months ago from one of my Cool Friends.

(I'm not cool myself, but I DO have a few Cool Friends.)

I ignored it for a while, but it seemed like EVERYONE was talking about it, so I decided to check it out.

When I went on it, though, the website said you had to be INVITED to join.

I was like, "Well, la-di-da, Pinterest! I'm not GOOD enough for you?

I’ve got to 'request an invitation?' And then get on a WAITING LIST?

What am I, rushing a sorority?

It’s like they’re selling snobbery! I’m offended by this."

But I requested an invitation anyways of course. Because I'm so desperate to be Cool.

And actually, it turned out to be not that difficult to acquire an invitation after all. Pinterest is not as exclusive as it would like to appear.

So, now I can waste time looking at pictures/recipes/crafts on the internet, and then show other people the pictures/recipes/crafts I've been wasting time looking at.

And I can be Cool. See?

The only problem is, now I'm getting distracted by the computer even worse than I was when it was only facebook and e-mail to distract me.

I keep leaving things half-finished like some kind of ADD freak.

Here's photographic evidence: I started transferring laundry from washer to dryer, and then apparently got bored and wandered away. Then I got sucked in by pinterest. And I didn't even realize I'd done it!!

I've been corrupted by pinterest. And that's NOT cool...

I'm Officially Uncool. Surprise?

This weekend I went out to eat with my husband and the waitress came to our table to greet us.

She said, “Would you like something to drink? We have a large selection of nonalcoholic beverages, such as blended teas and lemonades.” Then she gave us a big bright smile. I ordered my usual diet coke and my husband ordered his usual water and she went away.

(image from sodahead.com)

Then I turned to my husband and said, “Why did she offer us the nonalcoholic drinks? Is it that obvious that I don’t drink alcohol? She can just tell by looking at me?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Why do you care?”

I said, “Well, what’s the matter with me? Do I look totally uncool or something?”

He said, “Would you rather she thought you were some kind of lush?”

I said, “No, of course not. But I just want to know how she guessed. Do I give off some kind of mom-in-a-minivan VIBE or something? Am I Urkel now?”

(image from wikipedia.com)

He rolled his eyes. “So order a drink then, just to show her. I DARE YOU.”

“I will not!” I said, all shocked.

He said, “That’s ridiculous. You don’t want the drink. But you also don’t want to LOOK like the kind of person who doesn’t want the drink. Do you not see how crazy that is?”

Of course I did. And I was annoyed with him for pointing it out.

YES I'm uncool. YES I'm crazy. But DON'T point it out! That's just rude.

Creativity... and Elmo

Last night I was dressing Baby Boy in his Elmo P.J.'s and I started making up a little song for him.

(This is to the tune of the "Elmo's World" theme song from Sesame Street.)

I started out when I was putting on the pajama pants, "La la la la; La la la la: Elmo pants."

Then I sang, "La la la la; La la la la: Elmo shirt."


Baby Boy looked happy, enjoying the song.

I started feeling impressed with what a creative mom I was. It's like, Oh yeah, I'm cool. Watch me, I'm the Playful Parent.


(image from http://www.alexrappoport.com)

I sang, "Elmo loves his jammies, and you do too!"

I poked my little boy in the tummy and he smiled.


We geared up for the big finish to the song. Baby Boy began singing with me.

We sang, "That's Elmo's--"

My son grinned triumphantly and replaced the last word with a loud, "POOP!" before collapsing into giggles at his own witticism.

Ah, the humor of the three-year-old.