Not really a recipe

I don't really like cooking. Have I mentioned this before?

But the other night I made something yummy that everyone liked. Except the twins, who being preschoolers don't count.

I'd love to give you the recipe. Unfortunately, I'm not a very good recipe person.

I mean, I follow recipes... unless I'm out of something, or I don't like it. Then I just substitute something else.

And as far as measuring... Let's just admit I'm exactly Miss Accuracy.

I just read this baking blog with some awesome-looking desserts, and it included a link to a long admonishment about how to measure properly. Reading this shows me exactly why I'm not a particularly good cook, and why I have no future as a food blogger.

For example, from mybakingaddiction.com

How To Measure Flour

1. Use a spoon to fluff up the flour within the container.
2. Use a spoon to scoop the flour into the measuring cup.
3. Use a knife or other straight edged utensil to level the flour across the measuring cup.
4. THEN pour the flour into the mixing bowl.

Um...sorry. You lost me at step one. Call me ADD, but my attention wandered before we even poured the flour in the bowl.

But I digress. I was talking about the one-dish dinner I made.

Here's the recipe, such as it is:

Throw a five pound bag of potatoes in the oven to bake at 425. (I usually take them out of the bag first.) I used small potatoes, so they only took about an hour. Let them cool a little bit, and then cut them open and scoop out the white part. Trash the peels, even though your mom said that's where all the vitamins are.

Smash the potato up with a fork, then throw in approximately a stick of butter and smash that up. Squirt on some Ranch dressing and some cooked broccoli and mix that in. Then toss some diced ham on top, along with some shredded cheese.

Bake it for 15-20 minutes (at whatever temperature the oven happens to be on) until the cheese is melted.

Now you see why I'm not a food blogger?

Creative Cooking

I made a new recipe for dinner.

And I guess I mean that literally, because I didn't have several of the ingedients it called for and I made a few substitutions.

The question is, When does it stop being a "subsitution" and start being a whole new recipe? I mean, out of the eleven ingredients I used.... three of them as directed.

It still tasted pretty good. Here's a photo--unfortunately, it's of the leftovers.

Yeah, it looked better last night.

If you're looking for great pictures of food, this is not the blog for you.

Here's a link to the real recipe, if you're interested:
/the-pampered-chef-creamy-broccoli-sun-dried-tomato-orzotto

Here's what I did:

Instead of "1 medium onion, chopped" I used some dried onion flakes.
Instead of "3 garlic cloves, pressed" I used some garlic powder.

(Can I just point out that I think pampered-chef includes both of these just to get you to buy the food chopper and the garlic press?)

"2 tsp (10 mL) olive oil" This one I actually had on hand. Hooray!
But that wasn't very much. I added 2 Tbsp of butter just to be safe.

"(1) Finely chop onion using Food Chopper. Combine onion, garlic pressed with, Garlic Press and oil in Deep Covered Baker. Microwave, covered, on HIGH 2 minutes."

(You see what I mean? In step ONE of the directions, no fewer than THREE pampered-chef products are mentioned.)

"1 1/2 cups (375 mL) uncooked orzo pasta" Check!
"3 1/4 cups (800 mL) chicken broth" Check!
"3/4 cup (175 mL) dry white wine such as Chardonnay" Um....I didn't have this. I threw in some more chicken broth.

"(2) Stir in orzo, broth and wine. Microwave, covered, on HIGH 14–16 minutes or until orzo is tender."

By the way, I used a ceramic dish I have that has a glass lid. It worked just as well as the $70 covered baker they used at the pampered-chef party I went to.

Using the microwave for a whole dinner was pretty cool, I have to say.

Okay. Here's where I veered way off course from the recipe.

"1 jar (8 oz or 210 mL) sun-dried tomatoes in oil, drained and patted dry" I didn't have that, and the jar costs like nine bucks. I threw in some bacon bits instead. They're also red, right?

"1 head broccoli (about 2 cups/500 mL florets)" I steamed some frozen broccoli on the stove.
"2 oz (60 g) Parmesan cheese" I didn't have this at all. Not even the icky powdered kind in the can. So I skipped it.

"(3) Meanwhile, thinly slice tomatoes using Santoku Knife; set aside. Cut broccoli into small florets. Grate Parmesan cheese using Microplane® Adjustable Grater; set aside. Carefully remove baker from microwave using Oven Mitts. Stir in tomatoes and broccoli. Cover; let stand 5 minutes."

"6 oz (175 g) mascarpone cheese" Again, I did not have this fancy-schmantsy chesse, and it costs like ten bucks a pound. I used Philadelphia cream cheese, which is good in pretty much anything.

"Chopped fresh parsley (optional)" As if! I threw some more bacon bits and some shredded cheese on top.

"(4) Add cheeses to baker; mix well. Let stand, covered, 2–3 minutes or until almost all of the liquid is absorbed. Garnish with chopped parsley, if desired."

This was an easy meal. It was all in one dish and I heated up some garlic bread to go along.

Everyone liked it, and as you can see, there was still some left over for later.

(all images from amazon.com)

I'm Such a Rebel

I was making a cake, and I happened to see this directive on the cake mix box:

What?! I can't eat raw cake batter?!

Well, guess what, Betty Crocker! You can't push ME around!

Mmmmmm.....

What's a Bacon Weave?

The other day I was informed by my 15-year-old daughter that she learned how to make a "bacon weave" on the internet.

Apparently it's from Epic Meal Time, a "bacon-themed web show."

Sometimes I wonder what universe I'm living in here, when my kids say phrases like "bacon-themed web show."

Anyways, ET proceeded to weave some raw bacon into the pattern you see to the left here.

(Image from bacon.wikia.com)

I, of course, wanted to know how exactly we were supposed to EAT something like that. I mean, is it for a single person to eat? or the whole family? Do you cut it up into slices?

She had no answers for these questions, however. She just knew she didn't want me to dismantle her bacon weave.

So we came up with an idea of making it into topping for a breakfast casserole.

After all, you can't let half a pound of bacon-themed art go to watse!

Here's how it looked finished:

PS It was delicious.

And also caused ET to wake up before ten a.m. to make sure she a got a piece.

Chopsticks

Since we moved to Hawaii, my older daughters have gotten really proficient with chopsticks.

I mean eating with them, not just poking each other with them.

Although my kids do their share of the latter as well, I admit.

(image from http://www.ebay.com)

It’s a little strange, though, since we’re originally from Alabama, to hear my kids complaining when they can’t find the chopsticks to eat their ramen with.

I mean, back home, “Chopsticks” is a song you play on the piano, you know?

But now we actually own several sets of them!

And we’re not talking about the paper-wrapped, break-apart kind of chopsticks from the Chinese restaurant either. We have nice washable ones with painted tops.

We’re really getting cosmopolitan around here.

Although I personally still eat with a fork.

Why I Don't Write a Food Blog

Because I'm kind of a bad cook. That's the short answer.

By the way, I got this pretty graphic from steamykitchen.com, a "real" blog. By which I mean a blog that Knows How to Market Itself. A blog that breaks twenty in number of followers. A blog where like sixteen people regularly comment on the posts.

Or, maybe like more than one person comments. (Love you Belle! Without you I'd never know anyone was reading!)

But I digress. I was explaining why I don't write about cooking.

I mean, I do cook. And no one in my house has died of food poisoning or anything. Yet.

And actually I sometimes cook things that taste decent enough. My kids like it anyways.

But one thing I can't seem to do is make pretty food. And this is an important thing for A Real Blogger. It's all about the pictures.

I have a file of recipes I've cut from magazines and printed off the internet that I'm "planning to try." Most of which I chose because of --you guessed it!-- the picture of the food.

Some of these guys have been sitting in that file a while, unfortunately. So last week I asked the girls to go through the book (it's a binder with clear plastic sleeves) and see if there was anything in particular they would like me to make.

Boo chose about six desserts. That's why we call her Sugar Boo.

I did agree to make a couple of desserts, namely the Oreo cheesecake all three of them salivated over, but I'd actually been looking for them to chose actual FOOD.

One thing ET and GG both were interested in was "Curry Scallops and Rice," so I bought the ingredients for it.

Looks nice in the picture, right?

Okay. Here's how it looked when I made it.

Yeah. Actual unretouched photo, folks! That's how my food looks. Not exactly pintrest quality, is it?

The good thing is everyone liked it anyways.

Except Boo. Who I suppose is still holding out for that cheescake dinner....

ET Cooks Dinner

Last night my 14-year old daughter made dinner.

The amazing thing was, it was her idea, not mine!

She wanted to make “Crab and Noodles.” This is a dish she really likes but I rarely make it, because her two younger sisters don’t care for it.

It’s actually imitation crab in garlic-butter sauce. We usually serve it with rotini pasta and broccoli. Unfortunately, I used the last package of frozen broccoli a couple of days ago, so I put out cauliflower instead.

Cauliflower is like broccoli’s cousin who sits indoors and stays pasty-white.

Incidentally, I just googled “imitation crab,” because even though I’ve eaten it plenty of times, I’m not exactly sure what it is.

I discovered it is made of surimi, which is basically a fish paste.

Here’s what it REALLY looks like.

Appetizing, isn't it?

It looks much better here.

And, just for fun, here’s a cartoon about imitation crab from burnscomicstrip.blogspot.com

Cute, huh? He’s pretending to be a pirate.

But I digress….

Anyways, ET was cooking.

I had purchased the ingredients earlier in the week, so all I did was put everything out on the counter with the recipe book open to the correct page and let her go.

She has cooked before; it’s okay.

ET had her friend M over too, so they seemed to be enjoying themselves without any help from me.

There was a lot of giggling and banging of pans in there, but I just ignored it.

Later, while doing the dishes, I would learn she’d used every pan we own. LITERALLY.

But that’s okay, because I DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK!

I got concerned when I heard a giant crash and ET yelled, “Don’t come in here, Mom!”

I knew something had broken, but I didn’t really want to see it. I just called for her to clean it up and worked on keeping the twins out of the kitchen.

A few minutes later she said everything was almost ready so I let the twins free and came in the kitchen.

The floor seemed a little slippery.

ET had a can of tomato sauce in her hand. She said, “Will this work for a vegetable?”

“But the cauliflower was supposed to be the vegetable,” I began. Then I stopped and said, “Oh.”

I looked at the counter. She had already put the crab and the noodles in serving bowls.

That meant one of my serving bowls was history.

“Did you already butter the cauliflower before you dropped it?” I asked.

She nodded. Well, that explained the oil slick on the kitchen floor.

Then I looked around again and asked where M was.

ET said, “She had to go home.”

“Before or after you dropped the cauliflower bowl?” I asked.

ET rolled her eyes. “Right after that. Conveniently.”

Hey, I don’t blame the kid! I was the one hiding in the living room when I heard the crash, so I can’t throw stones here!

In any case, I decided to allow the tomato sauce as a vegetable, and ET and I set the table.

In the end, I thought everything tasted pretty good.

Especially since I hadn’t been the one to cook it.

However, GG refused to eat the crab at all, and Boo complained, “It’s too garlicky.”

ET rolled her eyes again. “Well, thanks for all the APPRECIATION, kids.”

I said, “Welcome to MY world, honey.”