Twins in the Bathroom

If you were inside a public restroom when I came in with my three-year-old twins, here is what you’d hear:

Me: Okay, Let’s go potty!
Baby Boy: Me first!
Baby Girl: No me! Me! ME!!!!!
Me: There’s five potties here; just choose one each.
Baby Boy: This is MY potty!
Baby Girl: NO!!!!!
(sounds of struggling)
Me: All the potties are the same.
Baby Girl: I want the BIG potty!
Baby Boy: No, me!
Me: All of the potties are big. Okay, you go in here and you go in here!
Baby Girl: I need HELP! I NEED HELP!!!!!
Me: Okay, up you go.
Baby Girl: (at top volume) I’M GOING PEEPEE!!!!!
Me: Here let me help you, too.
Baby Boy: NO! Let me do it! I’ll do it!
Me: All right. Get up there.
(sounds of scuffling)
Baby Boy: I can do it! Let me do it!
Me: I’m letting you do it. Just get on up there.
Baby Boy: I did it!
Me: Good boy! Now aim it down. Aim it down! AIM IT DOWN!!!
Baby Boy: Sorry Mommy.
Me: (Sigh) It’s okay. Next time just aim it down, okay?
Baby Boy: Sorry I peepeed on you Mommy.
Me: It’s okay.
Baby Girl: (Still at top volume) WIPE MY BOTTOM!
Me: Okay just a minute. I’m helping your brother with his pants.
Baby Girl: I POOPOOED! WIPE MY BOTTOM!
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Baby Girl: It’s a big poopoo. You see?
Baby Boy: I see the poopoo.
Me: Yes, we’re all very impressed. Now pull up your pants. Let’s wash our hands.
Baby Girl: Me first! Me! ME!!!!
Baby Boy: No me!
Me: We’re taking turns. Here, I’ll lift you up.
Baby Girl: Soap! I need SOAP!
Me: Okay, you’re done; now get a paper towel.
Baby Girl: No air! I WANT AIR!!!
Me: All right, fine. (Whooshing sound of the probably germ-filled air dryer)
Baby Boy: My turn!
Me: Okay, here’s your soap. No wait, you’ve got to catch it. One more squirt. No, don’t scoop it off the counter. We’ll try again. Catch it this time!
Baby Boy: I got soap!
Me: Good! Now let’s dry off.
Baby Girl: No! My air! MY AIR!!!
Baby Boy: I want air!
(Sound of struggling)
Me: Let your brother have a turn with the air. You’re all dry.
Baby Girl: All dry!
Me: Okay, we’re all done! Now Mommy needs an aspirin….