I think I'm going to blog about my hair

Uh oh. Did I just lose my whole audience with THAT title?


http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com

Hair is kind of a boring topic, isn't it? Still, amazingly enough, I found some actual bloggers who ONLY blog about hair.

Seriously.

Not as many of them as there are of the food bloggers, but still.

I was on pinterest (in other words, I was completely wasting my time in order to avoid folding the laundry) and I found all kinds of hairstyles. Particularly for blondes.



http://www.hairromance.com

The thing is, I can't actually DO any of this stuff with my hair.

Or, more precisely, I could.... if I want to spend hours working on my hair and still accept that the style will only last approximately five minutes.

Here's what happened when I tried this simple hair tutorial. You can actually click on this and watch this lady's video how she did this with her hair if you want.

http://aspottedpony.com


This one was relatively easy, and here's how it looked on me.

Hey look! It works on brunettes too! (Just not quite as well....)

Unfortunately, it only lasted a few minutes. Good thing I took a picture right away.

I think that's what the hair boggers do....

I Feel Bad About My Feet

I’ve been feeling increasingly embarrassed about the state of my feet.

I mean, it’s December, so I really shouldn’t be worrying about it, right? Everyone’s feet are encased in boots and other warm shoes all winter, so I should save that worry for the summer, when the sandals come out…

Oh yeah, I live in Hawaii! The sandals are on all year! I wear flip flops to CHURCH, for goodness‘ sake! (They’re nice ones, I promise!)

So people are seeing my feet a lot, is what I’m saying.

And now I’m also learning the hula, which is a dance done barefoot. So I’m getting up in front of GROUPS with no shoes on, and my feet are not looking pretty.

Well, honestly, no one’s feet are exactly PRETTY, but mine are particularly unattractive, I think. I’ve got some heel calluses, and I’ve got… dare I say it?… hairy toes.

Yep. Toe hairs, they’re not just for hobbits anymore.

Now, I don’t know where these suckers came from. I don’t remember any foot fur in my twenties. And to be fair, it’s only a couple of hairs. I’m not exactly Bilbo Baggins here.

(Wow. My spell-check recognized the words “Bilbo Baggins.” Amazing! Tolkien would be proud.)


Anyways, I’ve decided to do something about the state of my feet. And I’m NOT getting a pedicure, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s not just the fact that I’m kind of philosophically opposed to spending money on stuff like that, although I admit I cringe at shelling out even for a haircut, and wish I could do it myself. (I can’t, by the way, and I have the first-grade school photo to prove it!)

It’s also the idea of strangers touching my feet. UGH. I just can’t get past it.

So I’ve been working on my toes myself, and today I decided to get out the tweezers.

I also bought some special tweezing cream that’s supposed to help. Allow me to quote from the ad:

“Revlon's first pre/post tweezing cream that makes your tweezing experience easier and more comfortable.”

Well, I’m all for improving my “tweezing experience.” So I tried the cream.

OUCH! It didn’t help. Good thing I bought the cream on clearance. I’d be mad if I’d paid full price.

To be fair to Revlon, perhaps I was expecting too much. After all, no mater what cream you put on, you’re still yanking hairs from your body by their roots. Unless it’s a shot of Lidocaine, there’s NOTHING that’s going to make the experience easy and comfortable!

In any case, I hope my feet look better now.

No, I’m NOT posting a photo of them. Forget it!

Brooke Shields' Eyelashes

I love Brooke Shields.

And not in some weird way; I’m a married woman here, and this is a G-rated blog, remember? But I just love her. First off she’s way gorgeous, even more so now than when she was younger in some ways. Also I love how she wasn’t afraid to talk about her post-partum depression, and also how she forgave Tom Cruise for saying she was the devil for taking anti-depressants. She’s just a classy lady.

But you know how she’s been a spokesperson for that new eyelash-growing drug? I’ve seen the magazine ads: “Talk to your doctor about Latisse.” Well, obviously, I haven’t spoken to my doctor about it, but I figure it’s for people who actually have sparse lashes, like it says on the incredibly long drug information they have to waste two pages on after every prescription ad.

I mean, my lashes aren’t exactly don’t-hate-me-because-I’m-beautiful here, but they do their job; they hold mascara (when I can be bothered to put it on) and they keep junk out of my eyes. That’s what eyelashes are for, right? That, and making wishes when you blow them off your finger, but I don’t think I’ve done THAT since I was about sixteen, when I used to be a lot more diligent with the mascara.

But anyways, I was just reading a newspaper article that said lots of people --okay, let’s just call it like it is here: lots of WOMEN-- are getting prescriptions for Latisse online or at beauty salons and then having some bad side effects.

Okay. First off, if you’re getting a PRESCIPTION at a BEAUTY SALON, you have got to know there’s something wrong here!

And we all know that every drug has side effects, particularly a prescription drug, and that’s why you’re supposed to see a DOCTOR who actually EXAMINES you before you take one. I mean seriously, y’all!

So anyways… moving on here… The article said some people can be allergic to the drug and get a rash on their eyelids. And if you get that, you should stop using it. Pardon me for sounding like my 13-year-old here, but DUH!

And then they told about this lady who began to get a little rash on her eyelid, but she didn’t stop applying Latisse. Because people were complimenting her on her new “plum-colored eye shadow.” So she KEPT PUTTING THE STUFF ON HER EYELIDS.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little harsh here, but come on! That’s what the two boring fine-print pages in magazines after prescription ads are all about! PLUS the little novella-size insert in the package your prescription comes in. Number one thing here: If you are allergic to the drug, STOP!!!!

So this lady thinks her rash is attractive, and she does not stop. Then the rash begins to spread, as rashes are wont to do, and she starts to get the plum-colored eye shadow UNDER her eyes. No longer so attractive, right? The Muhammad Ali look is not “in” this year. So she FINALLY stops applying the stuff.

But now, four months later, the rash is just beginning to fade. So she is all, “Boo-hoo! Why didn’t someone TELL me there were side effects?” Oh PLEASE, honey! Is it not common sense?

And THEN the article said, that in some very rare cases, Latisse can actually turn blue, green, or hazel eyes brown. PERMANETLY. And now I’m like, Ewwww….

It’s like the opposite of that old Crystal Gayle song. Sing it with me folks, “I only meant to grow a lash; I didn’t know I’d get a rash! But honey now I do, Ooooo! And don’t it make my blue eyes BROWN!”

So I guess the moral here is, read the fine print; it’s there for a reason.

Sorry, Brooke… but at least YOUR lashes look fabulous!

I'm Just a Girl Who Cain't Say No, Apparently

Today I got sucked in by the Dead Sea Facial guy. His name was Omar. He complimented my naturally beautiful nails, and then told me how they could look even more natural for only $49.95!



You’ve probably seen these people. They have little kiosks in malls and when you walk by they accost you with, “Can I ask you a question?”



I always say, “No thank you,” but today my resistance must have been low, because the next thing I knew Omar was massaging natural mineral oil into my right thumbnail and speaking to me soothingly in an exotic-sounding foreign accent.



Then he held my thumbnail under the light, and it was so beautiful and sparkly! And so natural-looking! I couldn’t stop looking at my beautiful thumb!



So the next thing I knew I was giving Omar fifty bucks! And part of me is going, Have you LOST your MIND?! You don’t even use the beauty products you already HAVE! But the other part of me was still saying, Oooo, pretty sparkly!



I guess I’m like a magpie with a credit card.



I should have known better than to stop and speak to this guy. I should know I have to just keep walking and ignore the sales pitches like Kate Gosselin going past the paparazzi. My problem comes when I stop and listen to them.



I never used to be like this, but lately I can’t even watch infomercials with out thinking, SHOULD I be teaching my baby to read? or Wow, that chamois cloth is really absorbent! I need that!



Fortunately, with the infomercials I don’t actually succumb, because once I’m away from the TV salesman’s mesmerizing voice I snap out of it. But in person I can’t seem to break away.



I think I need some blinders like they use for horses so I can get where I’m going in the mall and ignore the sales pitches. That or a little device with a recorded voice that says, “No thank you,” over and over while I’m walking.

And by the way, now that I’m at home my thumbnail doesn’t look nearly as good. What, does it wear off like Cinderella’s spell? Or did Omar use some special light to fool me? Oh well. Too late now. At least the special hand lotion smells nice…

What happened to my sales resistance? I don’t know. But nobody better come to my door selling vacuums today, or we are in trouble!