What about Paula Deen?

I don't watch cooking shows. This is because they are all about... you guessed it! ...cooking, accompanied by no eating, which is of course cooking's only redeeming quality.  To me, cooking shows are a lose-lose situation.

Still, I can't help hearing about Paula Deen. It seems everyone has an opinion about what's been going on with her.

(image from http://www.people.com)

The internet rumors seem divided. Is Paula being persecuted wrongly for an idle comment made twenty years ago? Or is she taking a deserved hit for continued ill-treatment of minority employees? I don't know whom to believe. 

There is one opinion, however, that I think has not been properly considered. I heard two Southern Black ladies talking the other day:

Lady 1: That sure is too bad about Paula Deen.
Lady 2: Mmm-hmmm; sure is.
Lady 1: I saw it coming though.
Lady 2: You did?
Lady 1: Sure did. I knew, once she stopped cooking with all that butter, Paula Deen was going down.
Lady 2: That's true enough. Trying to lighten up her recipes! My lands!
Lady 1: Who's gonna eat that?
Lady 2: Sure enough.
Lady 1: Nobody wants to eat that.
Lady 2: Mmm-hmmm. That's what I'm saying.
Lady 1: So I knew she wouldn't last much longer.
Lady 2: Just goes to show.
Lady 1: Sure does.
(Pause)
Lady 2: Still...You got to watch what you say though.
Lady 1: Ain't that the truth.

So... Maybe Paula's problem isn't about what she said or didn't say.

Maybe it's simply the fact that she betrayed her commitment to butter.

Something to think about...

Apparently my daughter insulted the governor

GG took a field trip with her sixth-grade class to a "Middle-School Convention."

Whatever that is.

Anyways, here's the conversation we had about it, in the car after school.


(image from http://www.k12.hi.us)

GG: I saw the mayor or the governor or something there.
Me: (vaguely) Really?
GG: He gave a speech.
Me: Uh huh.
GG: We were right in the front row. He said he liked my hair.
Me: (more interested now) Really?
GG: Yeah.
Me: So was it the governor or the mayor?
GG: I dunno. Some white dude.
Me: What was his name?
GG: I dunno. I think it started with an A.
Me: Was it Abercrombie?
GG: I think so.
Me: You saw Neil Abercrombie? The governor of Hawaii?
GG: Yeah.
Me: At the middle school?
GG: Yeah.
Me: (incredulous) And he said he liked your hair?
GG: Yeah. So I said, "Thanks."
Me: That's good.
GG: And I said, "I like your head. It's shiny."
Me: WHAT?!
GG: Well, it was shiny.
ET: (entering the conversation) Dude. You called the governor bald?
GG: Well....he is.
Me: You met the governor. And you insulted him?
GG: I said I liked his head. That's not an insult.
ET: (snorting with laughter) Yes it is. Duh. You called him bald.
GG: (stubbornly) I said I liked it.
ET: What'd you say next? You're old, too?
GG: No. But he was old.
Me: I cannot believe this.

(Neil Abercrombie's image from http://en.wikipedia.org)

Why I'm Jealous of Heidi Klum

No, it's not because she's beautiful. And rich.

And THIN, even after having given birth as many times as I have.

It's because I read that she gets to sleep nine hours a night.

NINE hours. EVERY night.

Man. That's 63 hours a week. 3/8 of each day. ASLEEP.

Yes, I did the math. I am VERY jealous.

(image from wikipedia)

Celine Dion... and me...

So I read that Celine Dion has been hospitalized to prevent premature delivery of her twins. I assume this is just being put on bedrest, except inside a hospital.

Being put on bedrest is something I was completely terrified of when I was pregnant with twins myself.

Well, that and dying. Actually I wasn’t the one afraid of that, though. Medical school seemed to have given my husband a little too much information about What Could Go Wrong in a Multiple Pregnancy.

Actual conversation between me and my husband from that time:

Me: (looking at his paystub over my giant belly) Hey, they’ve got spousal life insurance on here. I thought we decided we didn’t need that and you cancelled it?
Him: Oh, yeah. I thought I did that last year.
Me: Well, you’d better call them and cancel it again.
Him: (long pause) Well…maybe I’d better leave it for now.
Me: What? Why?
Him: You know, just until the twins are born.
Me: Until the twins…. Hey WAIT a minute! You mean in case I DIE?!?!
Him: I’m just being practical.

Well, it was nice to know that he had the bases all covered in case I kicked the bucket.

But anyways, I was more afraid of going on bedrest myself.

I mean, with three other kids to take care of, I don’t see how bedrest would even have been POSSIBLE. I can’t even go on CHAIR rest around here. As soon as you sit down someone wants something! I can barely read two sentences in succession of a book before I‘m interrupted.

Although I remember years ago a friend whose (single) baby was threatening to come prematurely had to go on bedrest for NINE WEEKS. And she had a preschooler and a toddler at the time!

And (unlike Ms. Dion, I’ll wager) my friend had to do it without the aid of any nannies, maids, nurses, et cetera. All she had was relatives, and lame friends like me to bring a casserole and a paperback once in a while.

But she stuck it out, and that baby is healthy and in the third grade now.

Now THAT is a supermom!

Although I do sympathize with Celine; I’m pretty sure bedrest is no fun no matter how rich you are. It would drive me nuts with boredom, personally. And I hope her twins will be born as healthy as mine were, rendering all the worry before their birth unnecessary.


But of course they’ll take good care of her at the hospital.

And maybe she can hire someone to keep her from getting too bored. Maybe a clown? A comedian? Or a tap-dancer?

Or maybe she’ll just be stuck watching bad TV with the rest of the world…

Jamie Lee Curtis, Woman Extraordinaire!

So, according to Good Housekeeping magazine, Jamie Lee Curtis is now the Queen of Clean.

As you can see, “She dusts, mops and declutters like a pro!” They claim she is The Most Organized Person in the World.

So it’s not enough that she’s gorgeous, rich and THIN! And she’s a great actress, author, and (gasp!) blogger, plus she’s an actual Lady of the British Empire (since her husband was KNIGHTED!). Oh no! Now she’s a better HOUSEKEEPER than the rest of us? Like we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves already…


Now don’t get me wrong, I LIKE Jamie Lee! I’ve though she was hysterically funny ever since “A Fish Called Wanda.” And her children’s books really are good too.

And it’s great that she’s taking time out from her busy schedule to teach us all about the yogurt that makes you poop.

Oh, excuse me. I meant, the yogurt that “improves your regularity.”

But come on! Do I have to see her cheerfully cleaning her floor?

Can’t I just imagine that she has a MAID to do all this stuff, and that’s why her kitchen looks perfect like that and mine looks like… Well, let’s just say less than perfect, shall we?

And don’t get me started on her fabulous CLOSET!

I mean, I can’t even make a comparison with my closet. It’s like they’re not even the same species, like hers is a gorgeous Persian cat…

….and mine is a horrid verminous RAT!

(And apparently, verminous isn’t a word, according to my spell-check. But I’m using it anyways, because it SHOULD be!)

Oh well, I guess that’s the point of celebrities, to make us feel inferior.

Oh, excuse me, I meant, to entertain us.

And at least Jamie Lee’s not splashed all over People Magazine with a tattooed paramour, right? Or getting kicked off SESAME STREET for wearing a low-cut top!

Watch the rather innocuous video of Katy Perry booted from Sesame Street

It definitely could be worse…

Brooke Shields' Eyelashes

I love Brooke Shields.

And not in some weird way; I’m a married woman here, and this is a G-rated blog, remember? But I just love her. First off she’s way gorgeous, even more so now than when she was younger in some ways. Also I love how she wasn’t afraid to talk about her post-partum depression, and also how she forgave Tom Cruise for saying she was the devil for taking anti-depressants. She’s just a classy lady.

But you know how she’s been a spokesperson for that new eyelash-growing drug? I’ve seen the magazine ads: “Talk to your doctor about Latisse.” Well, obviously, I haven’t spoken to my doctor about it, but I figure it’s for people who actually have sparse lashes, like it says on the incredibly long drug information they have to waste two pages on after every prescription ad.

I mean, my lashes aren’t exactly don’t-hate-me-because-I’m-beautiful here, but they do their job; they hold mascara (when I can be bothered to put it on) and they keep junk out of my eyes. That’s what eyelashes are for, right? That, and making wishes when you blow them off your finger, but I don’t think I’ve done THAT since I was about sixteen, when I used to be a lot more diligent with the mascara.

But anyways, I was just reading a newspaper article that said lots of people --okay, let’s just call it like it is here: lots of WOMEN-- are getting prescriptions for Latisse online or at beauty salons and then having some bad side effects.

Okay. First off, if you’re getting a PRESCIPTION at a BEAUTY SALON, you have got to know there’s something wrong here!

And we all know that every drug has side effects, particularly a prescription drug, and that’s why you’re supposed to see a DOCTOR who actually EXAMINES you before you take one. I mean seriously, y’all!

So anyways… moving on here… The article said some people can be allergic to the drug and get a rash on their eyelids. And if you get that, you should stop using it. Pardon me for sounding like my 13-year-old here, but DUH!

And then they told about this lady who began to get a little rash on her eyelid, but she didn’t stop applying Latisse. Because people were complimenting her on her new “plum-colored eye shadow.” So she KEPT PUTTING THE STUFF ON HER EYELIDS.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little harsh here, but come on! That’s what the two boring fine-print pages in magazines after prescription ads are all about! PLUS the little novella-size insert in the package your prescription comes in. Number one thing here: If you are allergic to the drug, STOP!!!!

So this lady thinks her rash is attractive, and she does not stop. Then the rash begins to spread, as rashes are wont to do, and she starts to get the plum-colored eye shadow UNDER her eyes. No longer so attractive, right? The Muhammad Ali look is not “in” this year. So she FINALLY stops applying the stuff.

But now, four months later, the rash is just beginning to fade. So she is all, “Boo-hoo! Why didn’t someone TELL me there were side effects?” Oh PLEASE, honey! Is it not common sense?

And THEN the article said, that in some very rare cases, Latisse can actually turn blue, green, or hazel eyes brown. PERMANETLY. And now I’m like, Ewwww….

It’s like the opposite of that old Crystal Gayle song. Sing it with me folks, “I only meant to grow a lash; I didn’t know I’d get a rash! But honey now I do, Ooooo! And don’t it make my blue eyes BROWN!”

So I guess the moral here is, read the fine print; it’s there for a reason.

Sorry, Brooke… but at least YOUR lashes look fabulous!