Me vs. Nature

So on Thursday I went on a hike.

Yes, ME. I know it’s shocking.

All right, close your mouth now.

What happened was, on Monday my friend told me there is a beautiful hike she takes up every day in the mountains near here. And I said casually, “I’d like to see where that is. It sounds nice.” And she said, “Come with me later this week.”

You see how expressing a passing interest in something can get you into trouble?

She told me it wasn’t particularly stroller-friendly and suggested we meet on Thursday morning when I’d already told her the twins would go to the daycare center on post.

So, I said I was game. After all, my excuses had all been removed at this point: I’d already said that the twins would be taken care of, and that I didn’t have anything in particular to do. So, short of breaking my ankle between Monday and Thursday, I was stuck going on a hike.

Okay, I’m making this sound like I didn’t want to go. Which to be truthful, I didn’t.

But I knew that I SHOULD want to go. Because I really do need to get more exercise, and all of that.

However, I’m not exactly what you call a fitness enthusiast.

(Note to self: Write that last sentence down on my list of nominations for Understatement of the Year.)

Anyways, I know it’s always more fun to exercise with a friend. So on Thursday morning we set off.

On a hike.

(Sorry to reiterate; I still can’t believe I actually DID this!)

Conversation in the car winding our way up the mountain:

My Friend: (Experienced Hiker) The trail is in a loop. It takes me about two hours to do the whole hike.

Me: (Vastly Inexperienced Hiker) Um, how FAR is that?

My Friend: About six miles, I think.

Me: uh….

I’m thinking, will I make it off this mountain alive?

My friend is Korean. We were accompanied by another woman, a Cambodian, and an older Korean man, who is a Tae Kwon Do instructor.

I mention that everyone but me is Asian just to give you a picture:

Me=Big Hulking White Chick.

Them=All at least four inches shorter than me; MIGHT weigh as much as me if you stacked them all up on a scale at once.

Also I am the youngest of the group by at least ten years.

Despite my relative youth, they kick my BUTT at hiking. Big time.

I spend most of the time stravaging along behind them, feeling like Hurley at the beginning of “Lost,” dragging behind Jack and Kate like T.P. from a shoe.

Actually the whole hike I kept thinking of “Lost” because everything looked like it does on the show. Not surprising since it was filmed here on O’ahu, right?

(Please forgive me the Lost references; my husband and I have been watching the show on Netflix. BTW, we are only on Season Three, so please do NOT tell me what happens at the end!)

Anyhow, the hike: Narrow mountain trail, sharp drop-offs, slippery mud, lots of tree roots and fallen logs crisscrossing the path.

In short, it was not only a hard hike, it was one big tripping hazard.

I was struggling, not only to keep up, but to not fall down while doing it.

Also, since it was all on a loop, once I was on, there was no way to go but forward.

At one point my foot slipped as I was clambering gracelessly over a fallen tree, but I caught myself. My friends’ faces blanched, then cleared when I announced I was okay.

The three of us women rested a moment after that. (Mr. Tae Kwon Do was often well ahead of us, likely regretting his choice to hike with the ladies, or at least THIS lady)  I made a joke about how it would be tough for them to have to carry me out if I hurt myself.

They exchanged panicked looks.

Finally one of them ventured, “We could call 911...”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them there was no way an ambulance could reach us either, and I doubt they’d send a rescue chopper for a fat chick with a sprained ankle.

Anyways we kept walking after that, and I concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other and NOT falling down.

Some of the time I barely refrained from lying down in the mud and calling, "Just leave me to DIE!"

Most of the time I couldn’t see much about where we were; there were a lot of trees on both sides, but every once in a while we’d come to a place where you could see down the mountain. I was shocked to see how high up we were.

That’s when my friend mentioned that some people get altitude sickness when they were up so high. I laughed, “So THAT’S why I’m so out of breath, not because I’m so out of shape, right?”

She didn’t comment.

In any case, I made it back down. And the hike only took me three hours. More or less.

If it really was Me vs. Nature, I can't say who won. I do know I brought quite a bit of nature home with me: mud, leaves, etc.

On the way back, my friend said, “You might be a little sore later.”

Forgive me a Miley Cyrus moment: “Ya THINK?!”