Me vs. Nature

So on Thursday I went on a hike.

Yes, ME. I know it’s shocking.

All right, close your mouth now.

What happened was, on Monday my friend told me there is a beautiful hike she takes up every day in the mountains near here. And I said casually, “I’d like to see where that is. It sounds nice.” And she said, “Come with me later this week.”

You see how expressing a passing interest in something can get you into trouble?

She told me it wasn’t particularly stroller-friendly and suggested we meet on Thursday morning when I’d already told her the twins would go to the daycare center on post.

So, I said I was game. After all, my excuses had all been removed at this point: I’d already said that the twins would be taken care of, and that I didn’t have anything in particular to do. So, short of breaking my ankle between Monday and Thursday, I was stuck going on a hike.

Okay, I’m making this sound like I didn’t want to go. Which to be truthful, I didn’t.

But I knew that I SHOULD want to go. Because I really do need to get more exercise, and all of that.

However, I’m not exactly what you call a fitness enthusiast.

(Note to self: Write that last sentence down on my list of nominations for Understatement of the Year.)

Anyways, I know it’s always more fun to exercise with a friend. So on Thursday morning we set off.

On a hike.

(Sorry to reiterate; I still can’t believe I actually DID this!)

Conversation in the car winding our way up the mountain:

My Friend: (Experienced Hiker) The trail is in a loop. It takes me about two hours to do the whole hike.

Me: (Vastly Inexperienced Hiker) Um, how FAR is that?

My Friend: About six miles, I think.

Me: uh….

I’m thinking, will I make it off this mountain alive?

My friend is Korean. We were accompanied by another woman, a Cambodian, and an older Korean man, who is a Tae Kwon Do instructor.

I mention that everyone but me is Asian just to give you a picture:

Me=Big Hulking White Chick.

Them=All at least four inches shorter than me; MIGHT weigh as much as me if you stacked them all up on a scale at once.

Also I am the youngest of the group by at least ten years.

Despite my relative youth, they kick my BUTT at hiking. Big time.

I spend most of the time stravaging along behind them, feeling like Hurley at the beginning of “Lost,” dragging behind Jack and Kate like T.P. from a shoe.

Actually the whole hike I kept thinking of “Lost” because everything looked like it does on the show. Not surprising since it was filmed here on O’ahu, right?

(Please forgive me the Lost references; my husband and I have been watching the show on Netflix. BTW, we are only on Season Three, so please do NOT tell me what happens at the end!)

Anyhow, the hike: Narrow mountain trail, sharp drop-offs, slippery mud, lots of tree roots and fallen logs crisscrossing the path.

In short, it was not only a hard hike, it was one big tripping hazard.

I was struggling, not only to keep up, but to not fall down while doing it.

Also, since it was all on a loop, once I was on, there was no way to go but forward.

At one point my foot slipped as I was clambering gracelessly over a fallen tree, but I caught myself. My friends’ faces blanched, then cleared when I announced I was okay.

The three of us women rested a moment after that. (Mr. Tae Kwon Do was often well ahead of us, likely regretting his choice to hike with the ladies, or at least THIS lady)  I made a joke about how it would be tough for them to have to carry me out if I hurt myself.

They exchanged panicked looks.

Finally one of them ventured, “We could call 911...”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them there was no way an ambulance could reach us either, and I doubt they’d send a rescue chopper for a fat chick with a sprained ankle.

Anyways we kept walking after that, and I concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other and NOT falling down.

Some of the time I barely refrained from lying down in the mud and calling, "Just leave me to DIE!"

Most of the time I couldn’t see much about where we were; there were a lot of trees on both sides, but every once in a while we’d come to a place where you could see down the mountain. I was shocked to see how high up we were.

That’s when my friend mentioned that some people get altitude sickness when they were up so high. I laughed, “So THAT’S why I’m so out of breath, not because I’m so out of shape, right?”

She didn’t comment.

In any case, I made it back down. And the hike only took me three hours. More or less.

If it really was Me vs. Nature, I can't say who won. I do know I brought quite a bit of nature home with me: mud, leaves, etc.

On the way back, my friend said, “You might be a little sore later.”

Forgive me a Miley Cyrus moment: “Ya THINK?!”

What We Learned This Summer.... in Pictures

Well, summer is over. But I've got a few pictures to prove it really happened.

And we learned a few interesting lessons along the way.

For example, this lovely group shot I call "Just Be Still For Five Minutes, Kids! It's All I'm Asking!"

We were all dressed up for a wedding (I had on MAKE-UP, for goodness' sake!), standing on a beautiful beach, and all I wanted was a nice family picture.Could they co-operate for once?

As you can see, they couldn't do it. Not really a new lesson, but it just seems to keep cropping up.

We also learned that you can still have a nice wedding on the beach, even during the worst oil leak on the Gulf Coast ever.

I know, I posted this picture before, but aren't they PRETTY?

Some of the kids were exposed to new technology this summer as well.

Baby Boy enjoyed perusing the features of the new iPhone when it came out in July. I think he learned a lot.

We also visited a science museum, just to keep up our education during the break from school.

There were plenty of cool things to see there.

Here we learned about air-conditioning. It's better when every child has her own.

Also we explored the use of a green screen in weather broadcasting.

Everyone was amazed by the effect caused by my green shirt.  It was all very interactive.

Later I was able to beam the three older kids off the planet.

Okay, not really. They're all still here.

We learned some other things this summer, too.

My mom taught us that pyrex dishes are only for the oven, not the stove.

There was a minor explosion.

(My husband explained to me, in a scientific way, why this happened.I regret I cannot relay this information now, however, due to the humming noise that appears in my ears when he talks about things like this. By which I mean, boring things. Sorry.)

Of course, we also did regular summer things, such as look for shells...

...And have a picnic on the beach...

(Peanut butter and jelly tastes better with sand in it!)

....And blow bubbles. (The twins had a little help from their aunt.)

(I think Baby Girl is testing the non-toxicity of the bubble solution. Good news! It's okay!)

Also the twins learned the fun of riding the dinosaur train at the mall with their sister.

Okay, there's no scientific lesson in riding a train around a group of anamatronic dinosaurs next to a glass elevator. But aren't they cute?

And the last lesson of the summer: Always have your camera ready, because you never know when a great photo opportunity will crop up.

You might be a redneck if your neighbor lets his dog drive his jeep.

I just couldn't resist this picture. I mean, a pink stretch limo? REALLY?

All in all, a pretty good summer. How was yours?

Weekend at the Lake, or The Agony of Being Boo

This past weekend we spent some time at my uncle’s lakehouse. The kids really love it there; they go swimming, boating, and even horseback riding.

One of the big things they like to do is jump off the roof of the boat dock into the lake. It’s kind of a rite of passage, to be old enough to not be scared to jump from such a height. (The lake is 25 feet deep so there’s no actual danger, by the way.)

In past summers we have had conflicts over this. One I remember in particular: GG (at about age six or seven) promised she would jump off if I did it first. So, even though I am prone to swimmers’ ear and HATE getting my head wet, I climbed up and jumped in.

And she didn’t jump.

And I got swimmers’ ear AGAIN.

But I digress….

Last summer Boo (now age seven) was afraid to do it, but this year she confided to me before we went to the lake, “The first thing I’m going to do when we get there is jump off the top.”

And she actually did, fairly soon after we arrived.

The problem came after the second or third time she jumped. She landed wrong and hurt her leg when she hit the water, so that the next day, while GG and ET were vying for the record number of jumps (I think we passed fifty by the end of the weekend), Boo was afraid to jump again.

Which would have been fine if she hadn’t kept climbing the ladder, standing on the roof, and agonizing at the edge. This prompted her sisters to say, “If you climb back down the ladder and don’t jump off, you’re an official chicken.”

NO! Not Official Chicken Status! Oh the horror!

So Boo proceeded to sit up there, torturing herself, and not jumping. On the roof of the boat dock. In the blazing sun. For FORTY-FIVE MINUTES!

Finally it was time to go back in, so my mom made the older girls promise NOT to bestow the title of Official Chicken on Boo because she was being forced to come back down the ladder by adults.

They reluctantly agreed, with one caveat: that she must jump off the top the NEXT day, or they would be forced to call it like they saw it. OFFICIAL CHICKEN, thy name shall be Boo.

So Boo came down the ladder and back into the house for dinner. And moped around all evening, until she forgot about it, of course.

But her sisters had not forgotten.

The next day we all went back to the dock. I’d already had a talk with GG and ET about the hurtfulness of name-calling, and they had been STRICTLY FORBIDDEN to call Boo an official chicken or any other type of chicken.

So they didn’t.

Instead they swam around, calling out things like, “Hey Boo! I like CHICKEN noodle soup!”

And, “Fried CHICKEN is my favorite dinner!”

And so on…

After another stern talking-to, they mostly stopped. But then later, after I’d gone back inside to put the twins down for a nap, Boo decided to climb up to the roof for another try.

Thus reviving the whole Official Chicken Discussion.

After another half-hour or so of Boo’s anguished deliberation on the roof, my uncle decided to put an end to the whole thing. He climbed the ladder, grabbed Boo up, and jumped in the water. Then he swam back and herded all the kids into the house.

Oddly enough, it worked. Boo came back in a much better mood than she had the night before, and nobody was calling anybody poultry of any type.

And now I guess everyone has forgotten about the whole thing.

Until NEXT summer....

Retreat Weekend

So this weekend I went to a FABULOUS women’s retreat with the ladies from my Bible study group at the chapel here on post. You may ask: You live in Hawaii; you’re already in paradise! Where do you go for a retreat?


Well, I’ll tell you, it wasn’t too far of a drive! We went to the Ko’olina, which is a resort hotel (complete with a spa) on the beach about fifteen miles or so from my house. It was gorgeous there! I had a beautiful room I shared with a friend with a view of the ocean.

Here’s a picture of me relaxing in my room. HA! HA! Obviously I copied this from the Ko’olina website and that is a model. And pardon me, but who are we marketing to here, with Svetlana here in her underwear? But I digress…

We spent Friday evening with food and fellowship (is that redundant? doesn’t fellowship automatically mean food?) and then the next day we listened to a great speaker and did fun activities.

Plus I only had to worry about feeding, washing, and clothing my own self for twenty-four hours! Now you see how I was REALLY in paradise?

Friday evening we had a picinic --excuse me, thought I was Yogi Bear for a minute there; I meant PICNIC-- on the beach. I took that fabulous photo of the sunset with my cell phone.

Then we had a “pajama party” in my room with desserts. I started to miss my kids and husband as it got later…but then I saw there was chocolate pie!! …and I forgot…

On Saturday morning we woke up bright and early; breakfast was at 8:00. I wish I had taken a picture of my room and the HUGE bathroom because it was SO nice! The shower was like a big glass box; I felt like I was in one of those display cases for signed baseballs or something. It looked like you were supposed to invite people in to watch you perform The Theater of The Shower or something. Maybe if I looked like our friend Svetlana above… but obviously, I didn’t do that!

After breakfast, the first thing we did was a few icebreaker games. The first one was a purse scavenger hunt. I thought I had that one cinched, but apparently there is a bigger purse pack rat than me in our group! (A flashlight? A screwdriver? A floppy disk?! Come on!) The second game was guessing advertising slogans. My team NAILED that one! (Which does NOT mean we watch too much TV, by the way.) We all received medals made from York Peppermint Patties. Do I know their slogan? Of course! Get the sensation, right?

So I was still on a big winner’s high as the speaker, Dawn O’Brien began. She started out with a few jokes about how competitive our groups were in the games. She was right! Some of our ladies were really in a smackdown! I’m glad I wasn’t one of them…

During the opening I unwrapped my big peppermint pattie and ate it. But I’d forgotten that sometimes peppermint doesn’t agree with me. And that was a LOT of peppermint! Just as Dawn began to get to the part about her poor and tragic childhood, I started to feel sick to my stomach. Talk about getting the sensation!

Now the door of the meeting room was all the way in the front, meaning that to go to the restroom I would have to walk up in full view of everyone and exit behind the speaker. So I tried to calm my stomach down with a little mental pep talk. It will go away soon, I told myself. I never throw up, right? I asked myself. Unless I’m pregnant, I answered myself. Ha ha, I tried to reply.

Now THAT’S when I started to panic a little. Suddenly I was like, Oh NO! I’m going to throw up all over the beautifully decorated table at this Christian ladies’ conference, and then I’m going to have A SIXTH CHILD?!?! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

So I got up, hyperventilating a little, and walked briskly out the door to the restroom. Of course, the nausea passed. I did not throw up. And I am NOT pregnant. I don’t think.

When I came back in, through the front door again of course, Dawn had just finished the story of her tragic childhood. People were sniffling, kleenexes were out, and I tried to slink as quietly as possible to my seat. All the way in the back far corner.

At least I didn’t miss her salvation story, and how she became a speaker and Christian radio personality. That was the important part, right?

Well, the rest of the day was fabulous as well, with some great sharing a prayer time, and even a craft! I made a beautiful bracelet.

And when I got home, all the kids were still alive, the house was not any more trashed than it usually is at six in the evening, and my husband had made dinner! (He’d ordered pizza, but that qualifies in my book!)

All in all a WONDERFUL weekend.

Now I’ve got to check the calendar… when was my last period?