Why did I volunteer for this again?

I have tendency to volunteer to do things without thinking it through all the way. And then regretting it.

So I've been trying to remember to ask myself before offering to do something: "Do I really want to do this?"

"Do I have time to do this?"

And more importantly, "Do I even know HOW to do this?"

Oddly enough, it's the last one that trips me up a lot. Yes, I have volunteered to do things that I don't actually know how to do. This is because I am stupid.

So his week I volunteered to make 100 candy bags to give away at a women's fair as a promotion for my Bible study group. Without thinking it through.

So, in my classic style of procrastination, I waited until the day of the fair to even start.

I had to make and cut out stickers with the group logo, and buy tiny bags, etc., that morning. I figured it would take me an hour or two to do all that and fill the bags.

Did I mention I'm really bad at estimating what exactly I have time to do, and how long it will take me to do it?

Since I seemed to be running behind, I skipped going to a separate store for candy, remembering that I had a jumbo bag of M-n-M's at home.

The problem was, it turned out that jumbo bag was half-empty. And it took forever to fill all the bags and put on the stickers. All in all, I DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH.

So, for you ladies at the fair who only got three M-n-M's in your bag, or who got Skittles or Reese's Pieces instead, I apologize.

I hope you don't hold it against my group. Or report me to God.

(He already knows anyways....)

Dessert and Glitter

We've been going to Family Night at the chapel on post. On Tuesday night they have dinner and then Sunday-school-type classes for kids and adults.

(image from http://schools.fwisd.org)

I love not having to plan, cook, and serve dinner one night a week.

It takes so little to make Mommy happy sometimes.

Anyways, this week the chapel decided on an interesting theme to liven up the dinner portion.

It was called "Eat Dessert First."

Words to strike fear in any Mommy's heart.

Especially one who is going to be teaching a group of six-to-nine-year-olds after the meal.

Most especially if she knows the Sunday school lesson for the day will involve......GLITTER.

So basically, I realized I was going to have to teach/entertain/wrangle twenty kids after they'd loaded up on cake, cookies, and brownies.

Oh, and by the way, the lady that usually teaches music (thereby relieving me of twenty minutes of class time) doesn't want to do it today. Because of said sugar-load-up, of course.

Can you say....Show the kids a Bible story video? I knew you could.

But we still had to do the glitter project.

(This is Jesus calming the storm by the way.)

And here's a picture of all the glitter stuck in Boo's hair after class.

You should have seen the OTHER kids...

What's Your Favorite Bible Verse? IDK...

Recently I was in a group of ladies from the chapel here on post. We were supposed to be talking about our favorite Bible verses.


Of course, I hadn’t done my homework on this, and was hoping I wouldn‘t be called on to answer.

Not that I don’t have a favorite Bible verse; it’s just that…Well, okay, I guess I don’t have a favorite Bible verse. I tend to give a different answer every time I’m asked this question. But anyways, I digress.

One of the newer ladies said her favorite verse was Colossians 3:6.

As she began quoting it, I got out my Bible to follow along. She was talking about how the verse had really spoken to her, and reminded her of all the fellowship and good friends she’d had at church she’d attended at her last duty station.

That sounds like a nice verse, I thought as I reached Colossians chapter 3.

I looked down at verse 6 and read, “Because of these things, the wrath of God is coming.”

What?! I read it again.

Okay, verse 6... “Because of these things, the wrath of God is coming.” Yep. That’s what it said.

I looked back up at the lady who was speaking, thinking, What kind of fellowship was THAT?

Then I thought, Maybe she's just being equal-opportunity. I mean, those wrath-of-God verses never get any airplay these days.

No, obviously I knew either I had misheard or she’d misspoken the number.

As she quoted the whole verse again, I began scanning the chapter.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.”

Aha! It was verse 16! I had just heard wrong.

And it WAS a nice verse.

And I thought, Now to find something else good real quick before it’s my turn. Perhaps the book on the right would not come amiss...

Quote of the Day

http://www.ohmyachesandpains.info

Sometimes we have a Quote of the Day for our family.

Usually it's when someone says something that sounds completely ridiculous when you put it out of context, such as the things I wrote about before in "Stuff Parents Say." (Remember? "How would YOU like it if your sister put cheese in YOUR phone?" Yeah, I thought you'd recall that...)

Or it's something that just so perfectly typical of the person who says it, like ET's "Go outside and pee on a tree, dumb butt," which I wrote about in "Sibling Love."

But this Sunday we had some competition for Quote of the Day.

The first stand-out quote happened in the morning when we were all getting ready for church. Everyone was downstairs and ET was the last one upstairs getting dressed.

Then she hollered, "Mom! Baby Boy is upstairs and he's EATING my deodorant!"

That's right. He'd knocked down the safety gate, climbed the stairs, and decided to find out if Cocoa Butter Kiss Secret tasted as good as it smelled.

Maybe it did, because he actually took TWO tiny bites...

Then after church we were supposed to go to my sister-in-law's for a Father's Day lunch, but we ran into a little trouble, causing me to speak Notable Quote #2:

"Can we come over a little early? We got kicked out of church."

What had happend was, the lady from the nursery had come to the sanctuary DURING THE OPENING HYMN to tell me Baby Girl had a weird rash and could I come get her because they didn't know if it might be contagious.

Well, I knew it wasn't from eating personal care products, since that was the other one.

Actually, I knew she had a rash, because she has very sensitive skin and often has rashes. And I was pretty sure this one was prickly heat, seeing as it's like NINETY-EIGHT DEGREES OUTSIDE every day right now!

And she's not used to those kinds of temperatures, since she lives in paradise full-time these days...

Anyways, one of my friends who is a nurse actually came out of church with me and looked at it. She said it was most likely heat rash.

But we still had to leave the premesis once I'd removed the twins from the nursery and they'd begun running up and down the church halls, and it was only 11:15 a.m. So I piled all the kids in the car.

Which brings us to the final contender for Quote of the Day (drum roll please)...

"Stop beating your sister with a rubber glove!"

I was getting gas on the way to my sister-in-law's house and the kids were "entertaining themselves" in the car with a box of rubber gloves.

Why would we have a box of rubber gloves in the car, do you ask?

Well...on Saturday we visited my 90-year-old great-aunt at the nursing home. She is the sweetest lady; she always wants to give you something when you visit her.  But when you're in a nursing home, there's not that many things you have around to give away. So she gave me a box of rubber gloves.

She tried to give me a box of adult incontinece wipes too --"to wipe the babies' faces," she said-- but I declined. I was a little afraid the Depends Undergarmets weren't far behind...

I tried to decline the rubber gloves too, but once the kids saw them it was all over.

They were blowing the gloves up like balloons, wearing them and making weird noises, making them into bracelets... and, of course, pummeling one another with them.

So that was Sunday morning, before noon...

Don't even get me started on the REST of the day!

Handkerchiefs and Sunscreen, or Miracle on Kinau Street

This morning I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. by our new kitten’s insistent mewing. It’s weird, but to me it’s worse being awakened thirty minutes before your alarm is going to go off than in the middle of the night. At least if it were something like two in the morning I’d have a possibility of going back to sleep.

But at 5:30? I’m just lying there going shut-up-shut-up-shut-UP! PLEASE just let me have that last precious half-hour of sleep!!

But of course I got up and went to sit with the kitten. I help him in my lap and petted him, which he tolerated, and I gave him his medicine, which he hated. And it WAS almost time to get up anyways… but STILL!

Once the kids got up, they each took a turn petting the kitten, and he really seems to like them better. (Maybe because they never give him any medicine.) Then it was time for them to get dressed and fed and head off to school.

I was already planning my morning; Thursday is usually my errand day. I take the twins to the daycare on post from eight to twelve and I am able to go to the grocery store or the post office or whatever without having to lug them with me. They get breakfast and lunch there and have a good time playing with other kids, and I get to eat MY lunch without ANYONE ASKING ME FOR ANYTHING! Bliss…

The twins were still sleeping after the second bus had left, so I started working on a care package I’ve been putting together for a soldier in Iraq. I had planned to mail it off today, but as I was composing the letter I was putting in the box, I realized I wanted to include a few more things he‘d mentioned he was interested in. So I decided I should go to the store before sealing up the package.

And then I looked at the clock.

Ack! It was already eight! I quickly got the twins up and dressed and we were in the car by 8:15. Not too bad! As I was congratulating myself on this, I made a wrong turn on the way to the daycare and ended up on the interstate going the wrong way. Then I had to go a couple of miles out of my way before I could turn around. I was no longer pleased with my ability to make good time.

We got to the daycare by 8:30, and I rushed the twins into their classroom, where I saw the teachers had already cleaned breakfast off the table. Oh no! The twins hadn’t eaten anything!

Fortunately, the teacher was really nice and said we weren’t too late and she would still feed them. So I was relieved as I left that I wasn’t going to be Bad Mommy Who Brings Hungry Kids Too Late For Breakfast.

I headed off for my first errand of the morning: Wal-Mart. (Yeah, I know I was just there on Monday. What’s it to ya?) I was thinking about what I needed to do next: make a return, then buy the drawing supplies for the care package, then find something pretty to hold the things we’d be baking for the kids’ teacher gifts…

I stopped at a red light next to an elementary school and saw a big group of kids dancing in the bright sunlight. I gasped as a memory hit me.

Last night I’d noticed that Boo had a bit of a sunburn and I’d commented on it. She said, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my teacher says I need sunscreen every day this week because we’re practicing for our May Day program out in the field.” (This is their end-of-the-year hula program.) She’s a redhead, so you can imagine Boo has very pale skin that burns easily. I really should be putting sunscreen on her every day, but I usually only do it when she’s going to be out in the sun.

But did I remember it this morning? Oh no! Why is that? Because I’m Bad Mommy Who Forgets to Put Sunscreen on Her Sensitive Child Even Though We Live on a Tropical Island Not Far From the Equator.

I started smacking myself on the forehead. How could I have forgotten? I looked at the children waving their arms in the blazing sun. I’ll bet THEIR mommies remembered sunscreen, I thought, starting to really get upset.

I was almost to Wal-Mart at this point. My kids’ school was about twenty or thirty minutes behind me. I told myself, I’ll go ahead to Wal-Mart and pick up some sunscreen while I’m there, and then I’ll go to the school and put it on her.

But what if they have practice before I get there? I wondered, and started to go off on myself again. How COULD I have forgotten? I’m the worst mother in the world. Et cetera.

I thought of poor Boo, baking in the sun. I started crying about it. So I prayed. I asked God to be merciful on my little girl, and somehow fix it so she wouldn’t get sunburned before I got there. Maybe He could have her teacher put sunscreen on her.

That sounded like a stupid and trivial prayer, even as I said it. But I remembered a story I heard about Corrie ten Boom. You know Corrie from “The Hiding Place,” the Dutch girl who hid Jews in her house during WWII and ended up in a concentration camp, which she survived and became a writer and Christian speaker? I heard a story about her that happened before all of that.

Corrie and her sister Betsey were walking to their job at a factory in the winter and Corrie had forgotten her handkerchief. Corrie was upset because her nose was running, and Betsey said she should pray and ask God for a handkerchief. Corrie said it was stupid to ask God for something so small, so Betsey said the prayer herself, asking for a handkerchief for her sister. Then, as they continued to walk along the street, a handkerchief fell down from an upstairs window and landed on Corrie. She looked up, but no one was there.

That story affected me quite a bit when I heard it several years ago, but I hadn’t thought of it much since. But today it came back to me, and I prayed for divine sunscreen.

Once I arrived at Wal-Mart, I forced myself to stop worrying about Boo and made my purchases. I was done by about 9:15, so I felt I was making pretty good time so far. Then when I went to get back on the interstate, the on-ramp was blocked with two police cars, complete with flashing lights.

Now, I was in downtown Honolulu. I know how to get to and from only two places in downtown: Wal-Mart and our church, and I have to go the same route in and out each time in order to find my way. And now the way out was blocked. I told myself not to panic, and that if I kept driving parallel to the interstate I would eventually see another on-ramp.

Then I immediately found myself in a left-turn-only lane, blocked in on my right by another left-turn lane. I turned left and looked for a way to double back. I turned around and found a no-left-turn sign. This just got worse as time went on. Honolulu is maze of one-way streets and only lanes. Usually I would just get out the GPS and push the “home” button, but a piece broke off of the GPS charger so it is currently not working.

I was close to tears again, trying to keep working my way back towards the interstate in hopes that I could one day enter it. I stopped at a red light, looking all around to see if I recognized anything. Suddenly I realized, I’m near the church! The other place I know! And in front of me, shining like a beacon, the 7-11 where I sometimes get a Big Gulp after choir practice! Yay! I knew where I was, AND I could get a diet coke!

Directly in front of me, in the crosswalk, a blind man started crossing the street with one of those long sticks tapping the ground. He tapped along, veered slightly off course and tapped the tire of an SUV in the center lane, and then corrected himself. The light changed to green while he was still finding his way. I gasped to myself, hoping no one would start driving and run him over, but no one moved. All four lanes waited patiently until he was safely on the other side.

I thought to myself, You see? Your problems are NOTHING compared to that guy! Just crossing the street is a major thing for him, but he did it!

I pulled into the 7-11 feeling pretty serene. I hurried in to get my Big Gulp, where I saw a piece of paper taped over the diet coke button. Oh no! Out of order? No diet coke? Serenity shattered!

Now, I know you’re thinking, big deal! Why don’t you just walk over to the refrigerator case and get a diet coke in a BOTTLE? I’m sorry, but it’s just NOT the same! I wanted a fountain diet coke. I had my heart set on a FOUNTAIN diet coke!

Remember the blind dude, I told myself.

So I sighed and purchased an inferior soda. The cashier had really beautiful natural long fingernails. I wouldn’t be remarking on it, but it was a GUY! I mean, they were longer than mine!

I thought about complimenting him on his lovely nails. I thought about asking him if he’d met Omar the Dead Sea Facial and Manicure dude. I ended up saying only, “Thanks! Have a good day!” because I decided I didn’t even WANT to know why.

From the 7-11 I found the interstate with no problem and made it to the elementary school at a little after ten. As I arrived, first I checked the field where I knew they’d be practicing. No one was out there. I suddenly noticed it was a little overcast and the grass was wet. I walked in past the cafeteria where some of the older kids were lining up. I heard their teacher saying, “Now, get in your places just as if you were outside.”

I went ahead to Boo’s class. The kids were just coming in from somewhere and were half in/half out of the door. One yelled to Boo that her mother was here.

The teacher came to the door and I said I’d forgotten Boo’s sunscreen. She said, “Oh she probably doesn’t need it. We were going to practice at nine, but you know, the weather, yah?” She gestured up at the cloudy sky. “We’ll practice inside instead.” Boo was already in front of me, so I rubbed the sunscreen stick all over her face anyways.

But as I walked back to my car, I almost couldn’t believe it. When I had prayed for Boo, back on Kinau Street at 8:45 or so, the sun had been shining full force on Queen Kaahumanu Elementary School. It had still been beating down like crazy while I was lost in downtown Honolulu. But here at Boo's elementary school on Red Hill, the clouds had covered the sun for over an hour!

Talk about divine sunscreen! Hallelujah!

Retreat Weekend

So this weekend I went to a FABULOUS women’s retreat with the ladies from my Bible study group at the chapel here on post. You may ask: You live in Hawaii; you’re already in paradise! Where do you go for a retreat?


Well, I’ll tell you, it wasn’t too far of a drive! We went to the Ko’olina, which is a resort hotel (complete with a spa) on the beach about fifteen miles or so from my house. It was gorgeous there! I had a beautiful room I shared with a friend with a view of the ocean.

Here’s a picture of me relaxing in my room. HA! HA! Obviously I copied this from the Ko’olina website and that is a model. And pardon me, but who are we marketing to here, with Svetlana here in her underwear? But I digress…

We spent Friday evening with food and fellowship (is that redundant? doesn’t fellowship automatically mean food?) and then the next day we listened to a great speaker and did fun activities.

Plus I only had to worry about feeding, washing, and clothing my own self for twenty-four hours! Now you see how I was REALLY in paradise?

Friday evening we had a picinic --excuse me, thought I was Yogi Bear for a minute there; I meant PICNIC-- on the beach. I took that fabulous photo of the sunset with my cell phone.

Then we had a “pajama party” in my room with desserts. I started to miss my kids and husband as it got later…but then I saw there was chocolate pie!! …and I forgot…

On Saturday morning we woke up bright and early; breakfast was at 8:00. I wish I had taken a picture of my room and the HUGE bathroom because it was SO nice! The shower was like a big glass box; I felt like I was in one of those display cases for signed baseballs or something. It looked like you were supposed to invite people in to watch you perform The Theater of The Shower or something. Maybe if I looked like our friend Svetlana above… but obviously, I didn’t do that!

After breakfast, the first thing we did was a few icebreaker games. The first one was a purse scavenger hunt. I thought I had that one cinched, but apparently there is a bigger purse pack rat than me in our group! (A flashlight? A screwdriver? A floppy disk?! Come on!) The second game was guessing advertising slogans. My team NAILED that one! (Which does NOT mean we watch too much TV, by the way.) We all received medals made from York Peppermint Patties. Do I know their slogan? Of course! Get the sensation, right?

So I was still on a big winner’s high as the speaker, Dawn O’Brien began. She started out with a few jokes about how competitive our groups were in the games. She was right! Some of our ladies were really in a smackdown! I’m glad I wasn’t one of them…

During the opening I unwrapped my big peppermint pattie and ate it. But I’d forgotten that sometimes peppermint doesn’t agree with me. And that was a LOT of peppermint! Just as Dawn began to get to the part about her poor and tragic childhood, I started to feel sick to my stomach. Talk about getting the sensation!

Now the door of the meeting room was all the way in the front, meaning that to go to the restroom I would have to walk up in full view of everyone and exit behind the speaker. So I tried to calm my stomach down with a little mental pep talk. It will go away soon, I told myself. I never throw up, right? I asked myself. Unless I’m pregnant, I answered myself. Ha ha, I tried to reply.

Now THAT’S when I started to panic a little. Suddenly I was like, Oh NO! I’m going to throw up all over the beautifully decorated table at this Christian ladies’ conference, and then I’m going to have A SIXTH CHILD?!?! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

So I got up, hyperventilating a little, and walked briskly out the door to the restroom. Of course, the nausea passed. I did not throw up. And I am NOT pregnant. I don’t think.

When I came back in, through the front door again of course, Dawn had just finished the story of her tragic childhood. People were sniffling, kleenexes were out, and I tried to slink as quietly as possible to my seat. All the way in the back far corner.

At least I didn’t miss her salvation story, and how she became a speaker and Christian radio personality. That was the important part, right?

Well, the rest of the day was fabulous as well, with some great sharing a prayer time, and even a craft! I made a beautiful bracelet.

And when I got home, all the kids were still alive, the house was not any more trashed than it usually is at six in the evening, and my husband had made dinner! (He’d ordered pizza, but that qualifies in my book!)

All in all a WONDERFUL weekend.

Now I’ve got to check the calendar… when was my last period?

How NOT to Exit the Church Gracefully

Yesterday after church we went to get the twins from the nursery as usual. They always love being there, but of course they love seeing Mommy and Daddy come back too.

The only problem is, there is a little playground right outside the nursery door. (The door opens directly to the outside; as with many buildings in Hawaii there are no hallways in the church, only open-air covered walkways.) There is no way to leave the nursery without passing this playground, and the twins always bolt for it as soon as they see it. Once they’re on the playground it’s difficult to get them off.

Therefore most Sunday mornings end with us dragging two kicking, screaming little balls of outrage to the parking lot. This is particularly difficult when my husband has to work on Sundays, which has been often recently, and ET, our 13-year-old, has to help. (She can carry a screaming toddler, but she’d not particularly gentle about it, if you get my meaning.)

So yesterday as we arrived at the nursery door, I tried blocking Baby Boy’s view of the playground with my body. It didn’t work. I’m not a small person, but apparently I’m not as fat as I thought. As soon as the safety gate opened he ran for the playground, with Baby Girl right after him. Fortunately, my husband was with us, so he and the older girls were behind me. They ended up watching the twins on the playground while I went in to get our oversize diaper bag.

Then the nursery workers and I played a fun game called “Where’s the Sippy Cup?” We play it often at home; with two sippy cups to lose there’s always at least one you can’t locate. We looked everywhere but I finally ended up leaving with only one cup.

When I walked back outside the older girls were trying to corner Baby Boy. My husband was holding Baby Girl over his shoulder and she was hollering to be let down. She is a champion screamer by the way. Her daddy says she may have a future as a horror movie victim.

So my husband said to me… well, actually he yelled to me over the noise Baby Girl was making, “She needs to be changed. She has a poopy diaper.” I really didn’t think she could have pooped in the five minutes they’d been on the playground, and I knew the nursery ladies would have changed her if she’d pooped before that, but I took his word for it. So I took her, and he scooped up a passing Baby Boy, saying he’d meet us at the car.

I went back into the nursery to change Baby Girls’ diaper, but when I got her diaper off I saw that she hadn’t pooped. I dressed her again and carried her to the car. Actually, I tried to get her to walk to the car, but as we passed the playground again, she dropped my hand and did the Jell-o trick --collapsing in a heap as if her legs had no bones-- forcing me to carry her struggling body in one arm with the diaper bag, my purse, and my Bible on the other arm.

When I got to the car, I informed my husband that there had not in fact been any poop. He turned to ET and said, “I told you it was a leaf!” Apparently, she was the one who’d said there was a poopy diaper. (If I'd known that we could have saved a lot of time. I never beleive the girls anymore when they accuse the twins of being stinky. I think they just find the babies' natural smell offensive.)

ET defended herself with, “She did have poop! I saw it! She must have sucked it back in or something to trick me!” I said, “So you actually think your baby sister pooped her diaper and then sucked the poop back into her body just to make YOU look bad?” I mean, we all know teenagers think the world revolves around them but this is too much!

Anyways, at least we all made it to the car, except for poor Lost Sippy Cup.

We may never see him again…